When I was 40 years old, I felt as if I’d had enough.
A combination of situations had led me to stand at the edge of the Missouri River, not more than a quarter-mile away from the apartment I was renting in the city of South Sioux City, Neb. There were a number of factors that led me to the edge of that deep, murky water that was flowing quickly to the south, where all I kept telling myself was, “Take two steps, and all this pain will be gone.”
A lot of things were happening in my life at that time. Less than a year earlier, I had left a newspaper job to start up a business, but that business failed miserably, leaving me tens of thousands of dollars in debt. I had to take another newspaper job in a town two hours away from my teenage daughter – the same one I had promised, several years earlier, to stay in the area until she graduated from high school so I could be part of the events she would experience as she grew up.
On top of all of that — I was trying to run away from the pain and despair that I’d been carrying around for years as a survivor of sexual assault. The memories of that spring evening 30 years ago, in 1976, had lingered long into my adulthood. I still had nightmares about my attacker’s threat to “finish the job” if I’d ever told anybody (which I did). The negative self-esteem issues that came after this horrible event continued to tamper any positive experience I should have enjoyed in my life, and when you combine that with everything else going on in my life at the time, it seemed suicide was the only solution available to end all of these bad things I was experiencing in my life.
One thought, however, stopped me that summer evening from taking those final two steps. That thought was this — who will explain all of this to your children? They will never know WHY you committed suicide, and they will carry that with them for the rest of their lives.
Ultimately, I walked away and cried all the way home that evening. Even though I made the right decision, I still beat myself up about it — “You’re not even tough enough to kill yourself,” I thought. “You can’t do ANYTHING right.” — and wondered WHAT the solution might be.
This is National Suicide Prevention Week, and my hope is that if you are reading this AND are contemplating suicide, that if you take ONE THING from reading this post, that is be this – suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a VERY TEMPORARY problem. No matter WHAT you are dealing with as a survivor of sexual assault . . . suicide is NOT the solution.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, with more than 42,000 people taking their own lives ever year. Suicide is most prevalent in men, who commit the act 3.5 times more often than women. White males accounted for 7 of every 10 suicides, according to data from the year 2014, and middle aged white men have the highest rate of suicide. (The fact that I’m a 50-year-old while male makes ALL of those statistics all the more disturbing, on a personal level.)
That visit to the river 10 years ago wasn’t my first attempt at suicide. On two previous occasions, a breakup with a girl was the inspiration for my attempts. A bad breakup with an old girlfriend pushed me to the edge, pulled away by my best friend. The second time was in the aftermath of my divorce — I tried to drink myself to death, but forgot that my tolerance level for alcohol isn’t all that great, so I got sick and passed out, rescued that night by a family member.
This last effort, though, was all on how bad I felt about what kind of person I was, because of the fact that I had been sexually assaulted as a child. Even though it had been 30 years since my attack, I still carried that pain around and let it run my life. Even 10 years AFTER, I still catch myself thinking about all of that, and am thankful to have had the support and encouragement from a lot of wonderful, helpful friends, family members and professionals who have worked with me to help me deal with all of that crap that I’ve carried for so long.
Today, life is much better for me. Walking away from that last attempt has allowed me so many wonderful life moments. I’ve watched both my daughters graduate from high school. The oldest made me a father-in-law in the spring of 2014, and a year later, I became a grandpa to the most beautiful little girl in the history of mankind (OK — there MIGHT be some bias in that statement, but let’s not lie . . . I know I’m right, and that’s all that matters.). My youngest is an honors scholar at a major university and has grown into an amazing young woman who, I’m sure (and again, I MIGHT be biased), is going to do some amazing things to make her mark on this world. I’ve made so many new friends and acquaintances, started up a business with my best friend and look at life with a much different perspective than I did in the summer of 2006 as I stood two steps from taking my own life.
For those who are living with the aftermath of a sexual assault attack, there are two things I want to leave you with here.
First – you are not a VICTIM of sexual assault. You are a SURVIVOR. I want you to repeat that to yourself over and over again until the negative word (victim) is erased for your subconscious vocabulary. We use words to describe ourselves TO ourselves, and a lot of times, those words have a negative emotion or memory attached to them. That you are here today, alive and standing on the right side of the grass IN SPITE OF THE FACT that you have been through that experience – you SURVIVED it. You are ALIVE. You are MOVING FORWARD. Only SURVIVORS do that. It’s not easy to tell yourself that, and it’s even more of a challenge to actually BELIEVE it sometimes. Trust me — you ARE a SURVIVOR, and each day that passes is evidence that you are the ultimate winner. Once that becomes a part of your daily mindset (and, yes, I know it’s not easy, but don’t stop trying), you will find life to be a much better experience.
Second — If you are contemplating suicide, there is a wealth of information available at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website. Click on the “Find Support” link and you will find some useful resources – whether you’re thinking about it, or are concerned or have lost a loved one to suicide. Seek the help of a good, qualified therapist – talk to your pastor or priest – seek the counsel of a close friend or someone who has gone through what you are experiencing. Do not allow yourself to continue on this thought pattern that suicide is the only solution . . . because it most certainly is not.