Michael Carnes – Webmaster

For those of you wondering about an update to our website, well…here it is.
My apologies to everybody for not having something fresh on the site the last week or so. To be honest, it’s been a busy week in my “other” world as managing editor of a local weekly newspaper (anyone who thinks nothing happens in a small town really needs to get out of the big city), and I’ve also been working with a friend and fellow survivor on a speaking project that we hope to debut sometime in the next few months.
My friend, who lives up the road a spell (how’s that for small-town lingo?), is a fellow Toastmaster and professional speaker who has done some great historical work. She was assaulted as a young girl, and was inspired by my willingness to come out and talk about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault (we don’t use the “V” word in my world, and neither should you). She approached me earlier this year about teaming up for a program, and we’re excited about the project.
It is of utmost importance, I feel, for a survivor of sexual assault to speak out about his or her experience. It is a crime that has been suffered in silence for far too long, and we’re seeing more and more stories coming out in the media regarding individuals who have been sexually assaulted, especially those who are kids.
I first wrote about my experience in my early years in the newspaper business, and for a long time I was surprised at the response that I received for publicly telling my story. Gratitude was in abundance as people called or wrote letters and e-mails, thanking me for telling my story. Many mentioned that they, too, were sexually assaulted at one point in their lives and have never been able to talk about it outside of a very tight circle of family or friends. For some, their communication with me was the first time they had EVER talked about their experience to ANYONE. I was grateful to have been the one they felt comfortable enough to talk to, even if it was in written form.
My book, “Call Me A Survivor,” is my complete and unedited account of my experience as a survivor of sexual assault. While many survivors endure years of abuse at the hands of their attacker, mine was a one-time experience that haunted me for a long, long time. It still impact my life 37 years later, although in a much more positive manner than it did for many years before.
And that’s not to say I’ve completely overcome my experience – every day for me is a challenge to beat down the residual effects of what happened to me behind the swimming pool in a small Nebraska town in the spring of 1976. Self-esteem is my biggest hurdle – in spite of all the good in my life, all the awards I’ve received and all the positive comments that have been heaped upon me in my work, I still hear the voice that tells me that I’m unworthy of all the good in my life, because I was sexually assaulted as a 9-year-old boy. Do I acknowledge its presence? Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. Do I ACT on its words and demands? Consciously, I do not, but there are some things that I do that, as I think about them, are part of that subconscious train of thought that was burned into me with that experience. They are issues I continue to address, even 37 years after the attack.
While that may sound depressing and may make you feel there’s no hope for those of us who are survivors, I took some comfort recently in listening to the audiobook of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Steven Covey. In his afterward, he discusses some of the most-asked questions he gets from readers. One of the questions was whether or not he had MASTERED the seven habits. He said he had not, even to this day, been able to completely master and consistently live out the seven habits he wrote about. He said that he makes every effort to live his life based on those seven habits, but sometimes falls short in one area or another.
As I listened to his words, I took some comfort in knowing that, as hard as I try to live my life in a positive and uplifting manner and work to overcome all the negative energy that this experience left in me, I still fall short in some areas. I work hard every day to win the war, and while the war itself is still being fought, I’m successful in more of the daily skirmishes every day. I stumble and catch myself taking a step or two back on occasion, but I get back up and give it another shot the next day.
Two things I enjoy in my spare time are golf and poker. Both games are a lot like life – there are times when things come easy and you have success, whether it’s hitting a perfect shot that lands inches from the cup or draw the card that helps you win a big pot. There are times where you make all the right moves, yet don’t see the success that should come with it. And there are those occasions where you do something completely crazy and give yourself a good mental kick in the pants for making such a bad decision.
And yet, for all of that, you continue to play the game because you enjoy it and you know a good result is on the horizon. Life is, in many ways, the same. We’ll never live the perfect life, much the same as we’ll never play the perfect round of golf or have the perfect night at the poker table. But we get up each day and give it our best shot, learn from the missteps and make the best of the good times, and look forward to the opportunity to do it again tomorrow.
I realize this blog has bounced between some thoughts and ideas, but I hope that, as a SURVIVOR of sexual assault, you understand that there is good in your heart, and there is good in your life. Don’t deny yourself these opportunities – attack them and take full advantage of the positives in your life.
Until we chat again . . .
Mikey C