Six years ago, the story of Jerry Sandusky’s abuse of young boys while hiding behind his own youth mentoring organization opened some long-closed wounds that I had from my experience as a survivor of sexual assault and inspired me to write “Call Me A Survivor,” a book about my life.
The impact of the unraveling of this crime and the subsequent damage it did to a university, its football program and the legendary coach at that institution are still being felt all these years later. While the football team has regained its place as one of the top programs in the country, the after-effects of Sandusky’s criminal behavior are not only a part of the school’s reputation, but are still a bitter talking point for people on both sides of the issue.
Fast forward to today, and now we are seeing something even bigger and more shocking than what Sandusky pulled off, this time at the hands of a “doctor” who took advantage of his position to manipulate and sexually assault hundreds of female athletes, both at Michigan State University and as part of the United States women’s gymnastics team.
Dr. Larry Nassar was a well-connected trainer who was part of the success of the U.S. Olympic women’s gymnastics team, and had also been a trainer at Michigan State University during his career.
Nassar took advantage of his position as a physical trainer to grope and sexually assault hundreds of young women, many of them teenagers and younger, under the guise of providing medical treatments to help them heal from a variety of sports injuries.
Nassar conned these young girls, and their parents, into believing that what he was doing was going to help them overcome their injuries. Those lies made athletes like Aly Raisman believe SHE was the problem for feeling uncomfortable at what Nassar was doing when he would insert his bare finger into her vagina, resulting in nothing more than him abusing his position to get off on his own twisted, sexual pleasures.
“You made me uncomfortable and I thought you were weird, but I felt guilty because you were a doctor, so I assumed I was the problem for thinking badly of you. I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that the problem was you,” Raisman said in her powerful victim statement in a Michigan courtroom recently, forcing Nassar to sit through days of statements from hundreds of survivors of his perverted assaults, masqueraded as healing procedures.
Raisman, who competed successfully in the 2012 and 2016 Olympic Games, not only took the disgraced doctor to task, but called out U.S. Gymnastics and the U.S. Olympic Committee for allowing these crimes to continue unchecked for many years. She, and many others, were told that they were either mistaken or were being dramatic about what they believed the doctor was doing to them.
“This is like being violated all over again,” she said.
Based on the testimony of Raisman and many of the other athletes who came out and let Nassar know what they think, one can’t help but think that the scum that runs U.S. Gymnastics and the U.S. Olympic Committee make disgraced Penn State president Graham Spanier and his administrators look like amateurs when it comes to trying to hide the predators who violate the trust of our youth in such a manner.
This is a crime that these survivor impact statements are only beginning to scratch the surface of when it comes to how bad things are within those organizations. Nassar is not the only one who needs to be brought to justice — those in positions of power at the U.S. Olympic Committee, U.S. Gymnastics and Michigan State University were complicit in these crimes and gave Nassar the opportunity to conduct these criminal activities without fear of being caught. These individuals should have to answer for their part in these crimes against these young women as well.
Raisman had some powerful words of criticism for those running the gymnastics and Olympic organizations, but she also said some things that ALL survivors should take note of, and I’d like to comment on those here.
First, she said, “There is no map that shows you the pathway to healing.” No truer words could be spoken for those of us who have experienced this horror in our lives.
Each of us has a different story to our experience. For me, it was an event one spring evening in a small town in Nebraska. For Raisman, it started as a little girl competing overseas in Australia and continued for years in hotel rooms and training centers all over the world. Your story is no doubt different from hers and mine as well. And the path to healing takes different twists and turns for all of us.
It was evident to me that Raisman’s journey is still in its early stages. You could feel the rage in her eyes every time she looked at or spoke to Nassar as he sat there, looking like the beaten, evil being that he is. She is going to come out of this experience in fantastic shape, judging the courage she displayed as she calmly, but forcefully, took her perpetrator and those who facilitated his years of deviant activity to task in that Michigan courtroom.
Second, she commented, “Abuse goes way beyond the moment, often haunting survivors for the rest of their lives, making it difficult to trust and impacting their relationships.”
My abuse happened more than 40 years ago, and to this day I have nightmares and visions about the experience. It has impacted my ability to trust others over the years. I have many people who I consider as friends and have developed many great personal and/or professional relationships with over the years, but the number of people that I trust with my life, without hesitation, can probably be counted on two hands.
When you have been personally violated in such a manner, many things are broken in that moment that can never be repaired. The physical damage may heal, but the mental and emotional scars from that experience never completely leave you. They can trigger depression or rage in the blink of an eye, a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder that seems to pop up in the strangest places.
Raisman’s third statement, and one that I’m particularly proud of hearing her say, was quite simple: “I am no longer a victim, I’m a survivor.”
When the Sandusky story broke, I spent the better part of six months dealing with the depression of having my past come flying back in my face. I had experienced something similar to this several years before when, by accident, I discovered that my attacker had sexually assaulted a vulnerable adult in a nearby community.
I talked with the Madison County Attorney, Joe Smith, about the case and he encouraged me to write a victim impact letter describing my experience with the individual who was awaiting sentencing for his crime. Years later, I happened to meet the judge who worked that case, and he told me that letter made enough of an impact on him that he felt compelled to give my attacker the maximum sentence for his crime.
Fast forward to the Sandusky experience, and when I began writing the book, the thought came to me that I was no longer a victim, but a survivor. Somehow, through all of the hell I’d experienced and the nightmares and suicide attempts and everything else, I had somehow survived and I needed to own that idea that I was not a victim . . . but I was a survivor.
Raisman hit the nail on the head with that statement. Sometimes, it is hard to put into words what you’re going through with this experience and it seems there is never light at the end of the tunnel for you to look forward to. Turning the idea around, though, has been a big step forward for me. Looking at myself in a more positive light as a “survivor” — rather than the darkness that comes with being a “victim” — has helped me better understand all of this and helped me express that to others who have been through this horror in their own lives and given them some sense of hope.
Those who are “survivors” of the demented behavior of the ‘doctor’ who treated them have their voice and are bringing hope to their sport and to humanity. Here’s hoping the judge who finally decides Nassar’s fate gives him the proper justice due and that he spends the rest of his life behind bars and rots in hell . . . which is the only fate he and other perpetrators like him deserve.
*****
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Not long after this entry was posted, Dr. Larry Nassar was sentenced to 40-175 years in prison, a sentence that won’t start until he is finished serving a 60-year federal sentence for possession of child pornography. Judge Rosemarie Aquilina handed down the sentence Wednesday in a Lansing, Mich., courtroom, telling Nassar “It is my honor and privilege to sentence you. You do not deserve to walk outside a prison ever again,” and “I just signed your death warrant.” The 54-year-old disgraced pervert will be eligible for parole after pleading guilty to seven counts of first-degree criminal sexual conduct in the year 2117. . . but still awaits sentencing on three other counts in a nearby county. It’s safe to assume he will never see the outside of a prison wall the rest of his pathetic life.
2ND AUTHOR’S NOTE: Wednesday evening, Jan. 24, it was announced that Michigan State University president Lou Anna Simon had tendered her resignation as a result of the crimes Nassar committed on the campus while he was employed by MSU. In her letter, she tried to cover her tracks by saying a cover-up of Nassar’s crimes did not exist on campus, a pathetic attempt to deflect responsibility that she and others in positions of power and influence on the MSU campus clearly dropped the ball on. The question now is not whether or not they knew, but who knew what and decided to back the perpetrator instead of the student-athletes and others who were violated under Nassar’s “care.” Discovery of those individuals should lead to further prosecution as accessories to Nassar’s criminal activity.