Recently, I had a chance to attend a concert and thank the band for a specific song that speaks close to the heart of survivors everywhere.
I’ve been a big fan of the progressive rock band Dream Theater. A friend and colleague turned me on to this band when they first started achieving some national fame for their song “Pull Me Under” and I’ve been a fan of them ever since.
To call these guys brilliant in what they do would be like calling water wet. The musicianship displayed by each of the members of the band is out of this world, so it’s always a big deal for me whenever they put a new album out.

This past fall, Dream Theater released a self-titled album, which in and of itself was a change from such album titles as “A Dramatic Turn Of Events” and “Black Clouds And Silver Linings.” But when I got through the opening instrumental track, I was ill-prepared for the surprise that was to follow as the song “The Enemy Inside” began.
I’m a big fan of good lyrical arrangements, and as I began to understand the words to this song, the meaning behind the lyrics left me overcome with emotion as I realized how much it spoke to my own personal experience as a survivor of sexual assault.
For many of us, reliving the experience is a common occurrence and one that leaves us dealing with a variety of emotional baggage. The lyrics draw this out immediately in the first verse:

Over and over again
I relive the moment
I’m bearing a burden within
Open wounds hidden under my skin

The pain is real
As a cut that bleeds
The face I see
Every time I try to sleep
Staring at me crying

I’m running from the enemy inside
Looking for the life I left behind
These suffocating memories
Are etched upon my mind
And I can’t escape from the enemy inside

For many of us, the only way we feel we can deal with the memories is to suffer them alone, feeling there is nobody out there who would understand the hell that we’ve been through. Our loved ones know SOMETHING is wrong, but we’re not about to allow them inside our minds to see what that hell looks and feels like, as the second verse portrays:

I sever myself from the world
I shut down completely
Alone in my own living hell
Overcome with irrational fear

Under the weight of the world on my chest
I fall and break as I try to catch my breath
Tell me I’m not dying

I’m running from the enemy inside
Looking for the life I left behind
These suffocating memories
Are etched upon my mind
And I can’t escape from the enemy inside

We look upon ourselves, incorrectly, as a problem to others. We may feel we have nothing to offer the world because we are broken as human beings. We chase after whatever solace we can find, many times in a bottle or some other form of self-medicated relief, knowing that even that relief from the pain that we feel is temporary:

I’m a burden, I’m a travesty
I’m a prisoner of regret
Between the flashbacks and the violent screams
I am hanging on the edge

Disaster lurks around the bend
Paradise comes to an end
And no magic pill
Can bring it back again

I’m running from the enemy inside
Looking for the life I left behind
These suffocating memories
Are etched upon my mind
And I can’t escape from the enemy inside

After listening to this song and understanding the story behind the song (guitarist John Petrucci wrote the song after talking with a number of fans with military experience who suffered post-traumatic stress disorder – PTSD – after their service in Iraq and/or Afghanistan), I felt that the band needed to hear from somebody who was touched in so powerful a manner by their lyrics.

I got in on a meet-and-greet event before their concert in Denver, and took the opportunity to thank each of them and present them with copies of my book, “Call Me A Survivor” as a token of thanks for that specific song. It was great to meet these guys in person and get a group photo with them before the show, and in our brief conversations I found them to be very friendly, not your typical rock stars by any stretch of the imagination. The members of Dream Theater seemed genuinely enthused by a fan giving them such a unique gift and I’m hoping that I hear from them at some point down the road to hear their thoughts about my book and my experience.

As for the concert itself – it was magical for me personally to hear them open the show with “The Enemy Inside.” From my seat in the third row, I had my hands raised as high as they could go and sang along with tears in my eyes. The three-hour show was amazing from start to finish, but the emotional release of hearing them play “The Enemy Inside” live was something I’ve never felt before at a concert.

I’ve listened to the song a number of times since the show, and it still hits me as a reminder of what I’ve been through and serves as inspiration for me to continue to speak out about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault. I’m forever grateful that a band like Dream Theater was able to capture that emotion and those feelings that survivors of violent experiences – whether it’s fighting in a war or dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault – in such an amazing and hard-hitting fashion.