I was answering questions during a school presentation after telling my story as a survivor of sexual assault, when a young man raised his hand.
The middle school-aged boy was of a stocky build, wearing glasses, a T-shirt and jeans. He had already asked a couple of questions about my experience, then came up with a question that left me stuck without an answer: how many people who are sexually assaulted end up committing suicide?
It was something that I had talked about in my own experience, how I stood along the bank of the Missouri River convincing myself that taking my own life would end all of MY pain. And it’s a thought that many other survivors of sexual assault have contemplated in their lives – and, sadly, a number of them have successfully followed through and ended their lives.
Suicide is the ultimate act of desperation that many sexual assault survivors turn to in an effort to end the depression that they have experienced in their lives. Many studies have shown that suicide is the result of untreated depression, the final act of a victim who feels there is no other way out.
According to an article on the suicide.org website, about 1 in 3 survivors of sexual assault will have suicidal thoughts at some point, and about 1 in 8 of sexual assault survivors will attempt suicide. They are numbers that are, to put it in kind terms, disappointing.
There were several thoughts that pulled me away from the edge of the river that summer evening in 2006 – chief among them was the impact that my suicide would have on my children. My oldest daughter was a sophomore in high school and was the one thing in my life that had always been a positive light in the darkness I was living in. I couldn’t imagine what my family would be able to tell her. She had very little knowledge about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, so it would be a tremendous burden on both her and my family to try and help her understand all of that.
Another thought that kept me from taking those final two steps was a thought that, in retrospect, is a cold and incorrect assessment of the mind of someone who contemplates, or completes, a suicide attempt.
A school administrator who I have a tremendous amount of respect for was discussing the sudden passing of an employee of the school who had committed suicide. It seemed a logical thought at the time when he said that it was a selfish act for that individual to take his own life.
Over the years, as I’ve contemplated my own dance with death, I’ve come to the belief that it is not an act of selfish behavior, but one of utter desperation by the individual who feels he (or she) simply wants the pain to stop. In the vast majority of cases, it’s not PHYSICAL pain, but the emotional suffering and the mental anguish that, left unchecked, can drive an individual to the point where they feel the only way out is by taking the ULTIMATE way out.
For those of us who are survivors of sexual assault, the biggest, toughest and most persistent opponent we will ever face is not the individual who physically attacked us, but the person that we see in the mirror every morning. The story that individual tells every day, more often than not, is more damaging than anything our attacker did to us.
My best friend is a brilliant graphic designer who lives in Denver, Colo., and also has the best pair of ears a friend could have access to. He has trained as a life coach and has helped a number of people through some difficult personal circumstances, and he helped me dig out of the hole that I had found myself in with some really solid advice.
The best thing he ever told me was a very simple statement – energy flows where attention goes. Some people know it as the Law of Attraction, which essentially states that like will attract like and we are capable of drawing positive energy into our life simply by turning our focus away from the negative and keeping it on the positive.
For me, this was a very difficult challenge because, in my mind, that stigma and the experience that I had as a survivor of sexual assault was something would never go away. I will ALWAYS be a victim of sexual assault, and that negative mindset was a perfect fuel cell for the depression that I was experiencing to thrive in my mind.
Ultimately, I came to the realization that I have a lot to offer the world, as does EVERY individual who has been through the horrible experience of sexual assault. I’ve found happiness and, ultimately, forgiveness in the experience and now look upon myself as a survivor.
That doesn’t mean there are never any “down” days in my life. Some days are challenging as I continue my daily existence, but I know that suicide is not an option for me to consider. I refuse to add to those statistics, and I want to help others who are going through the experience to understand that suicide is not, nor should it ever be, an option to overcome the pain and emotional suffering that a survivor of sexual assault experiences.
If you’re having thoughts of suicide, or want to help somebody who is, call 800-784-2433 (800-SUICIDE) or 800-273-8255 (TALK). There is a wealth of information available on the Suicide.org website as well.
No matter where you are at in your experience as a survivor of sexual assault – don’t think, for one second, that suicide is a way out. You have far too much to offer this world to consider that as a viable alternative to the pain and depression you now face. Get help and know you have so much to offer this world.