For many years, I thought that nobody could understand the hell that I had been through.
I was sexually assaulted by the older brother of a classmate in the spring of 1976. I was not quite 10 years old at the time, and for many years after I felt as if I was suffering alone.
It wasn’t until many years later, when I began reading and hearing stories of fellow survivors of sexual assault, that I began to realize I wasn’t the only individual whose life was turned upside down thanks to the sick, twisted perversion of another person. Still, nobody had experienced MY suffering, I felt, so I never could really grasp the truth that others had suffered as I had.
As time wore on and the topic of child sexual assault began to make headlines, most notably in the Catholic church and with the Jerry Sandusky controversy at Penn State University, I really came to the understanding that my suffering is not unique. In the aftermath of writing my book, “Call Me A Survivor,” the numbers I have found through research further drive that point home. The fact that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys in the United States are sexually abused before their 18th birthday is a staggering number. And of those individuals of both genders who are sexually abused in this country, less than a third of them report the crime to authorities.
Are you one of those who are under the age of 18 and have experienced this horrific crime? Are you one of those individuals who don’t think reporting the crime committed against you is going to do any good, for whatever reason?
If you are one of those people, there is something you need to know – you are not alone.
I have written a number of newspaper columns, both before and after work on my book, and it always amazes me how many responses I receive from writing those columns in the weekly newspaper I work at in Nebraska. The thanks for being willing to tell my story, especially when they feel they can’t tell their own publicly, is worth so much to me.
The thing I always seem to find surprising, though, is exactly WHO is contacting me. I have business leaders, education administrators, professionals, and people from all walks of life and all types of social and financial status who privately communicate with me their experiences. Some have told nobody BUT me about their experience, and I’m grateful that they feel they can trust me with their stories, but the fact that this crime has had such an impact on such a wide scale really hammers home the point that we, as survivors of sexual assault and/or child sexual assault, are not alone.
You may be reading this and questioning whether or not you should tell your story. People may not understand, or just flat out don’t believe what happened to you. You need to understand that you are not alone in this world, and those of us who share your experience have a story to tell, just as you do. Do not be afraid, under any circumstances, to reach out to others who have been through the experiences you have in your life. You are not alone, and there is peace in this world for survivors like you and I.

When you are a survivor of sexual assault, it is a very intense, deeply personal experience.

Not only has your body been violated, but your sense of trust in your fellow man as well. Most of those who are survivors of sexual assault (I refuse to refer to myself as a victim for reasons I will relate in a future post) have a hard time telling their story to ANYONE.

The reasons why are many – but a lot of it has to do with trust. Some people simply don’t believe the story. Others would believe it if it weren’t somebody they know who attacked you and “I just can’t believe he/she would actually do something like that to anybody.” Others just flat-out refuse to acknowledge the possibility that anybody could commit such a disgusting crime.

Telling my story is not something new for me. I first wrote a column about my experience in the summer of 2001. I had recently been hired as the editor of a small-town weekly newspaper, and for some reason I felt I needed to tell my story. The column I wrote was quite lengthy, and I wasn’t sure this was a good idea since I was the new guy in town and readers had not had a chance to get to know me. I consulted with a minister who encouraged me to follow through, and the response was actually quite positive.

I wrote about my experience on other occasions, but it wasn’t until the Jerry Sandusky story at Penn State University broke in the fall of 2011 where I really felt the need to tell my story and take it far beyond my weekly readership. It needed to go statewide…national…and global. It took some time, though, for me to really figure out a way to do it, and the answer came from a voice that woke me from a difficult night of sleep on a hot summer’s night while visiting my best friend in Denver, Colo. The voice said but three words – “Write the book.”

The result was “Call Me A Survivor,” which is available on Amazon.com’s website. It’s not a War and Peace-length epic, but it’s my story told in fairly graphic and honest detail. The book took about five months from that first night of furious writing in my friend’s guest room to the day I sent it off to Amazon’s self-publishing wing for processing.

The first person I told about my experience was my mother, and it was hard not to. I had come screaming into the house after the attack had happened and told her what took place. For many years after, only family and close friends and relations knew of my experience. Today, I want everybody to know that I was sexually assaulted as a 9-year-old boy by the older brother of a classmate behind the swimming pool in the small town of Newman Grove, Neb., in the spring of 1976.

If only it were that easy for EVERY survivor of sexual assault. And I get that – it’s a deeply personal experience, one that is impossible to relate without having to re-experience the pain, suffering, terror and humiliation that came with the attack. I had a conversation recently with a friend who had been through a similar experience to mine, and I found it interesting how she would say it was something she could NEVER talk about, and yet, as our conversation went on, she let little bits of information out about what happened to her, when it happened and who abused her. And then, after releasing a bit of that information, she’d stop and say, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I’ve never told it to anybody before.” (And, just so you know, the details of her experience are something I will not share here or in any other forum . . . it is up to her to determine who, what and how that is done in a time she is comfortable with.)

Who you tell, how much you tell and in what manner you tell it is completely up to you. However, as you become comfortable with it, I believe you will find a certain freedom that comes from releasing that information, and the weight that comes with it. Talking with somebody you trust can be a wonderful release, even though there is a chance the retelling of the experience might reopen some wounds in your heart. The thing is – every time you are wounded, the body has ways to heal ALL of those wounds. And who knows? By releasing that pressure valve, it might open wonderful doors for you to experience a better, more peaceful life.

Who, what, how and where you tell is up to you. I encourage you to think about it and take action. Telling my story has helped me release a lot of negative energy in my life, and I hope to bring that message to the world through this website and the inspirational speaking I intend to present in the future.

I’ll conclude this post with a video clip of one of the first public interviews I did in promoting my book and telling my story. Jeffrey Steffen is program director for WJAG radio in Norfolk, Neb., and hosts a morning talk show on Lite Rock 97.5FM. He and I have known each other for a long time, and I have done sports play-by-play for them on a freelance basis for many years. It was a fun, but difficult, interview to go through, and I tried to capture some of the highlights from our 45-minute talk that day. Enjoy…

By MICHAEL CARNES — Publisher

The Centers for Disease Control has found that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday.

Here in my home state of Nebraska, if we were to plug those ratios into the current K-12 enrollment of every public, private and parochial school in the state, that means there would be an estimated 60,000 kids in Nebraska ALONE who will have been impacted by this horrible crime before they reach adulthood. To put that into perspective that a Husker football fan could understand, it would be like having Notre Dame fans invade Memorial Stadium and fill up two-thirds of the seats in a stadium Husker fans have filled to capacity for every game since 1962.

The sad reality of this is that many of these children do not speak out of what someone has done to them. They are threatened with some type of violence, whether on themselves or another family member. They are bribed with money and toys and given unusual attention by their perpetrators. Their family members or school administrators encourage them to remain silent about the crime, or try to dissuade them from talking about it and otherwise ignoring what has happened to them.

And as much as we talk about the concept of “Stranger Danger” and tell our kids to avoid contact with people they don’t know, the ugly truth of the matter is that more than 9 in 10 children who are abused are injured by someone they have some type of relationship with. Their attackers are their parents, their siblings, a relative, a coach, a priest or minister, the neighbor next door, the kid down the street – people that, you would think, would be people kids could trust to be around anytime, in any situation.

That’s why it’s time to break the silence and shine the brightest light on the darkest of secrets – it’s time to tell someone, anyone and everyone about child sexual abuse.

I was sexually abused at the age of 9, behind the swimming pool in the small town of Newman Grove, Neb., in the spring of 1976. My attacker was someone I knew – the older brother of a classmate. My attacker’s last words before he let me go was a very simple, blunt threat: “If you tell anybody, I will kill you.”

I was blessed with parents who didn’t take the situation lightly, but the aftermath of what had happened continued to haunt me, and follows me yet to this day. I’ve lived through drugs, depression, suicide attempts and negative self-esteem issues that have held back who I am and what I can offer to the world.

Over the last several years, I have worked hard – and continue working – toward dealing with the negative energy that this attack has had on my life. Every day is a war that is waged in my heart and soul, and it is one that I work very hard to be victorious in. I win much more than I lose, but it’s a battle I will have to keep fighting until God calls me to my final destination.

That’s why it’s important for me to speak out – and even more important – to encourage other survivors of child sex assault to break their silence and tell their stories. Keeping the anger and misery locked up inside serves no positive purpose, and I’ve found the best way for me to overcome all the negative energy this experience has created in my life is to speak publicly about it and encourage others to understand that they don’t have to live a victim’s life anymore. There is joy and comfort in being a survivor, which is why I prefer that word – survivor– in referring to those of us who have been through the experience.

This website is serving multiple purposes. It is my home for promoting my public speaking opportunities, as well as my current book, “Call Me A Survivor” and any other books I may pen on the subject in the future (and, yes, there IS a second book in the works . . . you’ll need to check back here for more details). It is also a home for information on legislation that is being created in the United States, as well as a home for links to groups or organizations who can help provide resources for survivors of sexual abuse.

When is NOW the time to tell the world about child sexual abuse? It is time to tell SOMEone, ANYone and EVERYone. I encourage you to do it today.