Contact, Speaking Out

Why speaking out is so important to me

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As you may already know, I’m gearing up for a month-long speaking tour this April as part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

About a year ago, I received a phone call from a representative of Wayne State College in my home town of Wayne, Neb.  They had heard about my book (which I had promoted in the local newspaper, part of the magic I enjoy with being the managing editor), and wanted to know if I’d like to be the keynote speaker for their Sexual Assault Awareness Month program at the college that April.

Mike Speak
After writing “Call Me A Survivor” in the fall of 2012, I was offered the opportunity to speak at a Sexual Assault Awareness Month event at Wayne State College in my home state of Nebraska.

To say I was jazzed up about the opportunity was an understatement. Not even a week’s delay due to a rare mid-April snowstorm could keep me from speaking out about the topic. I was introduced to some fantastic people that evening and, judging from the reaction friends and family saw from some of those in attendance, I made a positive impact with my speech.

I’ve since taken my talk on the road and have talked with everybody from area school kids to retired citizens. It’s become something that I want to carry forward in an effort to continue helping those who have been through the horror of life as a survivor of sexual assault.

That’s why this month-long journey is so important to me — there are so many people out there who have been sexually assaulted and feel there is nowhere to turn, nobody to talk to and nobody who has experienced what they have.

I know that feeling — for a lot of years, I spent a lot of myself and my resources trying to find avenues to deal with my experience. I’ve stood on the brink of committing suicide, feeling that the burden had become too much to deal with anymore. I couldn’t talk to anybody, I thought, because nobody had been through what I’ve been through. Nobody has suffered in silence as I have. And why would anybody care — they have their own issues and challenges to deal with.

I don’t want one survivor of sexual assault to ever feel that way — and I don’t want them to suffer in silence. That’s why it’s so important for me to tell someone, anyone and everyone about my experience, and this speaking tour is going to help me accomplish that.

It’s taken a lot of years and a lot of garbage for me to get through to realize that God has a purpose for me. It seems crazy to think this, but maybe my experience happened because He wants to use me as His voice to help those who are either dealing with the experience or have had this happen to them in their lives and don’t know what they can do about it. Maybe if I were to take my experience, easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and turn it into a positive outcome that can help others — THAT is why I’m here.

This speaking tour is going to last throughout the month of April. I’m taking a month’s leave of absence from my full-time job (and I’m thankful to have the blessing and support of an outstanding and understanding employer) and my plans are to travel wherever I’m asked to deliver my message and — hopefully — offer hope and a voice to those who are going through this experience.

If you’d like to have me come to your school, community or organization, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com and I can share the details on what it will take on your end to help bring me to your area. I’m excited about what God has in store for me this April — the month can’t get here fast enough.

Contact, Speaking Out

Taking the message on the road during SAAM this April

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It’s been a little more than a year since my book “Call Me A Survivor” hit the streets, and I’ve been blessed to have had my story serve as an inspiration to others who have been through the experience of being a survivor of child sexual assault.

Last April, I was asked by representatives of Wayne State College in Wayne, Neb., to be the guest speaker during their Sexual Assault Awareness Month program. While I had given shorter versions of my story in the past, this was a chance to speak to a big group of people that I was honored to have the opportunity to take part in.Mike Speak

About 100 people saw my speech that evening, and the response was tremendous. I had a number of people thank me for having the courage to tell my story, and I could tell that they had a story they wanted to tell somebody, but weren’t ready to do so just yet. A friend of mine who attended said he saw several college-age girls leave the program in tears, a sign that what I had to say in sharing my experience hit home for them.

Since then, I’ve done a number of speeches in communities around my home town and have received a great response — and then it hit me.

With my ability to create and willingness to tell my story as a survivor, why not do as they say in the music business and take this show on the road.

And with that, a “world” tour was born.

During the month of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), I plan on being on the road throughout my home state of Nebraska and other parts of the Midwest, speaking to any group willing to have me on hand to make a presentation about child sexual assault and what I am doing as a survivor. Whether it’s a small-town school or an auditorium full of people in the big city, I’ll go where I can during the month of April to help spread the word and, hopefully, help those who have been through this experience find their voice.

At this point, I am working to set up a schedule of speaking events. If you’re interested in having me as a guest speaker during the month of April (or even after that), e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com and I can work with you on a date and time.

My goal is to give 50 speeches during the 30 days in April, and while my focus is on my home state of Nebraska, I’ll bring the program anywhere in the United States. When 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are living with this horrible crime in their lives, I’m not going to limit myself to my home state’s borders if I can help open the door for those who have lived with this terrible experience.

If you’re looking for a speaker for SAAM this April, I’m ready to rock.

Book, Legislation, Links, Speaking Out

Erin Merryn’s new book is outstanding

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As I was preparing for my first interviews after publication of “Call Me A Survivor,” I ran across the name of a young lady from Illinois – Erin Merryn.
Her name came up in a Google search with a link that talked about “Erin’s Law,” an effort she began to put sexual abuse education and prevention in every public school in America.
To say the young lady is on a crusade would be like saying water is wet – in a short time she has seen her law passed in nine states (including Arkansas, which ran it through in a remarkable three weeks from first day of testimony to the governor’s signature) and has 19 more states looking at it during their respective 2014 legislative sessions (including my home state of Nebraska, which has a modified version of it, LB143, that makes it optional for school districts – I’ll be talking to state senators about upgrading it to the full version).

Erin Merryn's new book, "An Unimaginable Act" is coming out this month.
Erin Merryn’s new book, “An Unimaginable Act” is coming out this month.

I downloaded her second book, “Living For Today” on my Kindle and found myself unable to put it down. I found myself looking back on some of my experiences as a survivor of sexual assault and feeling a lot of the pain she expressed in her writing. We have corresponded back and forth a few times on e-mail about getting Erin’s Law passed here in Nebraska, and I am happy to say that I’ve just finished reading her third book, “An Unimaginable Act” that she published earlier this month.
Merryn details not only her experiences as a survivor, but some of the health issues – physical, mental and emotional – that she has dealt with in her life. She also talks extensively about the work she has done to get Erin’s Law passed in her home state, as well as in other states such as Michigan and Arkansas, and her special moment last year when she was named one of Glamour magazine’s Women of the Year for 2012.
Merryn has had to overcome quite a bit. Not only her efforts to battle through the pain as a survivor of sexual assault, but overcoming those who doubted or didn’t believe in her. This is one self-determined young lady who refuses to take no for an answer when it’s something she truly believes in with all her heart. She is not the least bit afraid to talk about her experiences and to ask people in state governments across the country why we require schools to teach our kids about stranger danger and saying no to drugs, but we can’t educate them about safe and unsafe touch, safe and unsafe secrets or how to get away and tell today.
Erin Merryn is on a mission – and if your state doesn’t already have Erin’s Law in place, you need to call your state representatives and get them on board with it.
And, while you’re at it, get this book as well. “An Unimaginable Act” is an outstanding piece of work by an outstanding young lady. It’s a must read for anybody who is a survivor of sexual assault – or has one in their lives.

Book, Speaking Out

Don’t live in fear – be strong and Tell (Some, Any, Every) One

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The great 19th century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
One year ago, my book, “Call Me A Survivor” was published. It is a personal account of my life as a survivor of sexual assault, and it was a project that I went into with an abundant amount of fear.callmeasurvivor-book
This wasn’t the first time that I had written about my experience – the first time I told anyone outside of my family and close circle of friends was when I wrote a letter to a district judge in Nebraska that helped put my perpetrator behind bars for an unrelated sexual assault he had committed 20 years after he attacked me. I had also written several personal columns in newspapers that I had worked for over the years, so writing about my experience wasn’t something I was afraid of doing.
There were, however, a lot of other things that scared me, things that could potentially impact or kill my hopes of writing this book:
– What if my facts regarding my case were wrong, which would damage my credibility to bring a personal account to the topic of child sexual assault?
– What if the people I interviewed didn’t want to talk about it? Remembering back that long is difficult in and of itself, but if the memories were too depressing or dark for them to deal with, they might not want to reflect back on that day.
– What if the book wasn’t well received? Would people even care about the life of a young boy who grew up with all of this negative energy that came from something that happened so long ago and still affected me almost 40 years later?
– There are many out there whose experience was more than a one-time occurrence, as mine was. Would people who had lived a life where they were abused repeatedly over the course of months and years, whether by one or more than one, be able to relate to my story? Would I be able to relate to theirs?
I faced all of these fears and, still, was able to summon the creative talent, energy, desire and will to write this book. And now that the book has been out, my focus has been on speaking publicly about child sexual assault, encouraging and supporting those who have been through the same experience, and work to help educate legislators and help pass stronger laws that educate the public and put those who commit this crime behind bars with stronger sentencing guidelines.
When we are attacked by our perpetrators, the fear and intimidation we face can also be countered by facing up to those fears and bringing our attackers to justice.
We are often told that nobody will believe us if we tell anyone about the crime our perpetrator has brought upon us. We are threatened with bodily harm, or financial distress, or a destruction of the family unit if we tell anyone about what has taken place.
Those fears are easily overcome, if you will just take action. That’s what the Tell (Some, Any, Every) One concept is all about – tell whoever you can, however many times it takes, until you bring your perpetrator to justice.
One of the first things my parents did after I was attacked – and remember, this is 1976 so this was some good thinking on their part – was to get me to a medical examiner. I was taken to my doctor’s office within minutes of the moment I ran screaming into the house, and I was checked out by my doctor and evidence was gathered that helped authorities make an arrest.
Today, most hospitals have what is known as a Sexual Assault Response Team, which includes medical and psychological personnel who can help deal with the medical issues and gather evidence that can be turned over to the authorities, which would help them in their investigation and eventual arrest and conviction of your perpetrator.
Perpetrators of sexual crimes, especially those who attack children, count on intimidation to hide their crimes and allow themselves to continue the attack, whether on the same individual or countless others. If those threats allow the fear of what might happen to keep us from bringing these evil creatures to justice, then the perpetrator wins. Only by overcoming that fear of the unknown to do the right thing and brings these individuals to their proper judgement will we be able to carry on and live the lives we deserve to live.
We have two choices as survivors of sexual assault – we can continue to live in fear, or we can face the fear and be stronger people because of it. I know which road I’ll travel on, and I pray that you will join me on that journey.

About, Legislation, Speaking Out

Erin’s Law needs to become THE law

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In my last blog entry, I talked about how we, as survivors of sexual assault, are not alone.
What concerns me, as I have begun to speak publicly about my experience and what it’s like to go through life living what I have lived as a survivor, is that there are so many young people in this country who are living through the same hell that I’ve gone through — and so little is being done about it.
The Centers for Disease Control has determined that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday. If you do the math, that’s about 20 percent of our population of young people who will have been subjected to this horrible crime – and who knows how many more are hiding what has happened to them?
Something must be done, and there is a young lady in Illinois who is making it her life’s work to do something about it.
Erin Merryn was twice a victim of sexual assault – first at the hands of the uncle of a childhood friend on her first-ever sleepover, and later at the hands of a cousin who assaulted her for two years before she decided to take action.
Merryn has helped craft “Erin’s Law” and is working to get it passed in all 50 states. At this writing, eight states have signed the legislation into law (including Arkansas, where a legislative committee was so moved by her testimony that they basically whipped the legislation through to the full Arkansas Legislature and got it passed in days, where most legislation takes months to approve). Another 18 states have it, or legislation similar to it, under consideration during the 2014 legislative year.
“Erin’s Law” requires schools in that state to provide age-appropriate curriculum for kids on sexual abuse, starting in preschool. Kids are educated on safe/unsafe touch, safe/unsafe secrets and “how to get away and tell today.” Her home state of Illinois first passed the law in 2011, with Missouri following later that year. Since then, it has become law in Indiana, Maine, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi and is soon to become law in Nevada.

Erin Merryn's new book, "An Unimaginable Act" is coming out this month.
Erin Merryn’s new book, “An Unimaginable Act” is coming out this month.

Here in Nebraska, I’ve talked with my state senator, Dave Bloomfield of Hoskins, and he has sponsored LB143, which got out of committee during the 2013 session of the Nebraska Unicameral but did not get to the floor for consideration. I like to refer to LB143 as “Erin’s Law Lite,” as it does not require school districts to provide this curriculum. Instead, the bill requires the state’s Department of Education to craft a template that schools would have the option to use for developing this curriculum.
It’s not enough, however, to give school districts the “option” to determine whether or not their children need to be instructed on a topic that is of vital importance to their young lives. When 20 percent of the kids in this country are facing a life of hell as a survivor of sexual abuse, they need to be made aware of what is right or wrong and how to, as Merryn states, get away and tell today.
Nebraska isn’t the only state that’s dragging their feet on this issue. The state of New York has several influential individuals within their state legislature and the department of education who, for reasons logical thought can’t seem to grasp, are trying to put up a brick wall to keep Erin’s Law from becoming the law in New York. Although it passed the state’s Senate in April of 2012, it is still waiting to get through the House and to the governor’s desk for final passage.
Other states that has Erin’s Law under consideration include Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Hawaii, Iowa, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Mexico, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee and Utah. On the erinslaw.org website, it states that Erin “intends to lobby legislators in all 50 states until they all pass Erin’s Law.”
If your state isn’t on the list of states who have passed or are considering Erin’s Law, I invite you to check out erinslaw.org, which tells the story about the law, what is being done and provides a lot of useful information. Erin is out speaking about the topic on a national level, and will come to your state to lobby for the legislation.
One of my goals for 2014 is to make sure Erin Merryn comes to Nebraska to get the Legislature moving toward passage of LB143, as well as making an effort to upgrade that law and make it mandatory, not optional, for schools to educate their children about safe/unsafe touch, safe/unsafe secrets and how to “get away and tell today.” Our children shouldn’t have to live with the hell that we, as survivors, have been through. When 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are being sexually abused in this country, something has to be done, starting with the education of our kids. Erin’s Law needs to become THE law in all 50 states. Eight are on board . . . and I’m not going to sit back and let Nebraska wait to be among the next to join that list.

Book, Contact, Speaking Out

It’s time to let others know — we are not alone

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One of the first things that I discovered, as I began to publicly talk about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, is that I’m not alone.
After publication of my first book, “Call Me A Survivor” last fall, I began to speak publicly about my experience. I went on radio shows, did TV interviews and spoke to social and support groups in and around my home town of Wayne, Neb.
Without fail, there would be a connection with someone who had been through something similar to what I experienced behind the swimming pool in Newman Grove, Neb., back in the spring of 1976. Somebody would come up and tell me about how a family member, a friend of the family or somebody they believed they could trust had violated them and left emotional and mental scars that they never thought they could heal from — and they would come and thank me for being brave enough to tell my story and give them the encouragement to come to terms with what they had experienced.
Of course, by the time I began to speak publicly, I knew that my experience was not unique. In fact, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys under the age of 18 in the United States have been sexually assaulted — and how many more in the adult community had to grow up with this horrible experience as a part of their lives? Thousands? Millions? It’s hard to say for sure.
This past April, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of about 100 students at Wayne State College during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I had been before small groups of people that I knew from other community events, but this would be the first time I’d be talking to a group of people I didn’t know (outside of the handful of family members and friends who attended).
I wasn’t sure what would happen when I was done — and was totally taken by an observation a friend of mine made after the program.
I had brought copies of my book along to try and sell, but when you’re playing to a room full of college students, you’re not going to do a lot in the way of sales because college students rarely have money and, if they do, they have more important things to spend it on than a book. (I was a college kid many moons ago, so I know I speak from experience on this . . . the only way I’d buy ANY reading material back then would be to use it as a cover-up for the bottle of alcohol I’d try to sneak into my dorm room.)
As the room cleared out, my family and friends were talking, and somebody asked me how many books I had sold. I knew it wasn’t much, but before I could answer, my friend stepped in and said, “Never mind how many books you sold — did you see how many kids walked out of here CRYING? You made a HUGE impact here tonight that went beyond how many books you sold.”
And he was right — I had a number of people come up to me in the days after that speech and tell me how important it was for them to hear my speech and know that they weren’t alone. And the fact that it was a GUY talking about being sexually assaulted was an even bigger deal — because guys aren’t supposed to be “victims” of sexual assault (although, undoubtedly, they are in far more frequent numbers than anyone wants to believe).
As I continued to speak to other groups, I realized that what I was doing is something that needs to be heard by more than just those people living within a 40-mile radius of me — this is a nationwide problem that needs as many voices out there speaking and advocating for something to be done to help those whose lives have been shattered by this horrible, unthinkable crime.
And so today — Sunday, Oct. 20, 2013 — just two weeks shy of the one-year anniversary of my book’s publication, I officially set out on my journey as a “professional” public speaker. I am speaking to the Thrivent Lutheran organization at their annual meeting — in my hometown, coincidentally — and will be speaking to a couple of schools in Nebraska this week and next (keep checking my schedule for updates). I am working on making contact with other schools, libraries and community groups to get the word out and get people thinking about what we can do to stop the sexual assault of children in the United States. (And if you’d like to get in touch with me about scheduling a date, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com and I will send information on to you.)
At the present time, I must juggle my speaking engagements with my present job as managing editor of The Wayne Herald, but my goal is to make public speaking and advocacy for those who are survivors of child sexual assault my life’s work on a full-time basis by my 50th birthday (May 17, 2016, if you’d like to mark that down on your calendar). It will take a good deal of time and effort, as well as an unshakable belief that this WILL happen, but it is something that I believe is more than worth the effort.
I believe it will happen, because I know that I’m not alone — and I will make sure those who have been through this experience know they aren’t, either.

About, Contact, Legislation, Speaking Out

A very busy summer – and a time for change

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It has been two months since I last posted here – a busy two months.
It was an unusually busy summer in my job as managing editor of my local newspaper, between summer sports, county fairs and local community celebrations – not to mention family visits and a much-needed vacation – and it was a good opportunity for me to reflect on what I want to do here and in the future as a public speaker and advocate for those who are fellow survivors of sexual assault.
At some point in everybody’s life, they feel a need to make some kind of major change in their lives. For some, it’s a family-related situation like marriage or divorce. Others have grown tired of being overweight and make the effort to change their eating and activity behaviors to drop the extra weight.
For me, it is beginning the transition from a 30-year career as a small-town journalist to that of a full-time public speaker. My goal is – sometime between my 50th birthday (less than three years from now) and my 52nd, I will be speaking out on a full-time basis while giving myself the freedom to continue on a much smaller scale as a freelance writer and photographer.
I feel like I’m being called by a higher power to make this change in my life, because my personal struggle with life as a survivor of sexual assault is one that must be shared with the world. The message that there is life beyond the attack must get out, and while my situation certainly is not unique, it is one that can be used to help inspire others who are living through the same hell I found myself in.
Already (if you’ve checked out the calendar of events on the home page), I’ve lined up some public speaking events near my home town, and am in negotiations to do several more engagements in my home state of Nebraska in the weeks and months ahead. I don’t want to limit myself to one little corner of the world, though – I look forward to crossing the state’s borders and going across the country to spread the message for fellow survivors who are looking for hope, to let them know that there IS hope for them to go on and live life as a SURVIVOR of sexual assault.
I have been inspired by the work of people like Erin Merryn, a young woman in Illinois who not only has told her story, but used it to help influence legislation that is spreading nationwide. I want to bring Erin’s Law to my home state of Nebraska, and I want to do more to make sure those who sexually assault our children are put away in prison for a much longer period than they are now. I also want to work to get the message to judges who fail to dispense the proper judgement due to those who assault our children that their ignorance of this crime can no longer stand.
There is much work to do, and as things move forward I will continue updating you here. I will also post more news that I see on the web regarding stories relating to child sexual assault, and hope that you will spread the word about the Tell (Some, Any, Every) One website and the battle against child sexual assault.
I promise – it won’t be two months until the next time you hear from me here. In the meantime, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com if you’d like to have me speak to your school, library or community. I can pass information along about my story and what it will take to get me to your community, and I look forward to the opportunity to help others in this ongoing battle.
Until next time…as my dad always says – straight ahead.

Mike

P.S. – If you have not yet read my book, “Call Me A Survivor,” you can order it here at Amazon.com.

About, Book, Contact, Speaking Out

A never-ending movie, and you control the script

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If you’re like me, there are certain experiences in life that feel like they’re repeats of old movies you used to watch.
Being a survivor of child sexual assault is sometimes like a sick, twisted version of “Groundhog Day,” the BIll Murray classic where his character continues to experience the same day, over and over again, and tries to right the wrongs he committed the previous day.
No matter what level of abuse you have experienced, there are times when you feel like you’re re-living the experience. Something as simple as a smell or a scene along a county road can trigger flashbacks of what you experienced in your youth. You aren’t experiencing the physical attack, but the memories of that experience jump up and take over, maybe for a moment or in the form of a nightmare that violently shakes you from a deep sleep.
There is rarely ever a set time for such a flashback to appear. It’s one of the many wonders of the human brain in how it is able to attach certain experiences to senses that we generally take for granted. Something as simple as a Nebraska corn field can be a thing of beauty to one person, and a horrible reminder of an attack to another.
The question I often get asked is, “When will these flashbacks stop?” It really depends on the person, particularly in how they handle their experience in the years going forward, but I don’t think we ever really completely get over the experience.
My attack happened 37 years ago this past spring, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I’ve visited the small Nebraska town where the attack happened on numerous occasions in the years since. I actually spoke at their school’s athletic banquet one year (an impromptu speech that came about when the scheduled speaker, who I was to interview for the local paper, couldn’t make it due to a weather-related flight cancellation), played golf on their golf course for a feature series and have driven back to the “scene of the crime” as part of my research for my book “Call Me A Survivor” to allow myself an opportunity to relive the experience and remember what I was feeling and thinking on that fateful day.
I’ve decided that, if I’m going to live with this experience for the rest of my life, I’m going to do something proactive that will not only help me, but help others to deal with the experiences in their lives that have led them to be survivors of sexual assault. I’ve talked with counselors and therapists, consulted with close friends and made every effort I can to keep my experience out in the open, where I can talk about it and handle those flashback situations in a quick and effective manner.
Just this past week, I experienced such a flashback while watching a classic rock program on the VH1 Classic cable channel. Growing up in the 70’s and early 80’s, I was blessed to have had some of the best rock and roll to listen to during those years. For some reason, a song from that era triggered a negative emotion in me that led me to begin replaying that spring evening behind the local swimming pool when I was assaulted. I caught myself and reminded myself that undoing what has already been done is impossible, and that I should let that negative emotion go.
Like many self-help experts have told us: you are what you think…energy flows where attention goes…what we think about, comes about. Instead of focusing what has already happened, I turned my attention to what I intend to happen as I speak publicly about my experience to schools, churches, organizations and government officials, now and in the future.
Like it or not, if you are a survivor of child sexual assault, you will never NOT be a survivor of child sexual assault ever again. In some ways, it’s like being an addict . . . you may overcome the addiction, but you will always be an addict. The same holds true for those of us who are CSA survivors. We will ALWAYS have this experience as a part of our lives — the question is, how are we going to address it and deal with it during those moments in time when it inevitably rears its ugly head? It’s one never-ending movie where the script is always up to us to write, and I hope you choose whatever way that is most comfortable for you and will move you toward a positive result in your life.

E-mail Michael Carnes at mike@mikeycproductions.com.

About

When to tell? When YOU are ready, let it rock

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In my first post on the site, I asked the question, “When is NOW the time to tell the world about child sexual abuse?”
In the general sense, there is no time like the present to tell the world about this crime, a crime that affects 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys under the age of 18 in the United States alone.
But when is it the right time for YOU to tell the world about YOUR experience?
For me, the telling of my story has been an ongoing process. I had discussed it with family and close friends many times over the years, but telling my story in a public manner was a long time coming. I wrote one of my first newspaper columns about my experience in the summer of 2001, and had shared the experience several times more before writing my book, “Call Me A Survivor” in the summer of 2012.
I’m taking my message worldwide now and using my voice to speak out on the subject. My weekly video chat on Spreecast.com is another avenue to talk about my experience, and I’m building a calendar of public speaking events and looking to make an impact in my state legislature here in Nebraska as well.
But when is it the right time for YOU to speak out about YOUR experience?
That’s a question I can’t answer. In fact, there is really only one person who can answer that question, and that person is you.
We all have our own comfort levels when it comes to speaking out about personal issues. Some, like me, are completely open and up front about what happened to them and the impact the attack has had on our lives.
There are many out there, though, who are either afraid to tell their story, or simply want to forget it ever happened and live with the pain that came with the attack that they survived.
I’ve met several people, during the course of my travels, who have told me about their experiences. At some point in the conversation, they say something along the lines of “I’ve never told this to anybody before.” They are shocked that they felt comfortable telling me about their experience, and at the same time they realize just what a weight it was that they have lifted off their shoulders by sharing their experience with someone they feel they can trust.
At first, I was surprised at who I was getting responses from when I wrote my local newspaper columns. Business people, educators, and fellow working members of the media were calling, texting, e-mailing and Facebooking me, thanking me for sharing my story and then telling a little bit about their experience. These were people that I have developed professional (and, in some cases, personal) relationships with who were sharing their stories. It was mind-blowing, and yet it was something that I feel privileged to have been called upon by God to experience.
Part of my purpose in all that I have done, from the book to this website, is to make sure that my fellow survivors understand that it is OK to tell someone, anyone and everyone about their experience. Those who have attacked us count on us to remain silent. They use fear, intimidation and threats of physical violence (or other means) to keep us from spilling the beans. For as many cases of sexual assault that are reported each year, studies have shown that there are up to 10 times as many unreported cases that we never hear about.
One friend mine is a survivor who feels she can’t tell her story yet. She wants to in the worst way, but feels there is retribution awaiting both her and her family if she were to bring her story out of the darkness. Her story is safe with me until she is ready, and I have a feeling that day is going to come very soon for her. I hope and pray that she finds the strength and experiences the freedom that telling my story has brought me at this point in my life.
If you feel that telling your story won’t make any kind of difference, know that you couldn’t be more wrong. There are many, many people out there who need to know that they are not alone in their suffering, and those of us who have summoned the courage and strength to tell our story are helping those who wait to tell theirs.
The bottom line, though is that YOU will be tell your story only when YOU are ready. Your NOW moment will be one that you will feel in the deepest part of your soul, and it will give you the strength you need to get that story to come out. Do not buy into the fear and intimidation if you know telling your story will help you and help others as well.
When the time comes, let it rock.

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It’s important for survivors to speak out

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Michael Carnes – Webmaster

For those of you wondering about an update to our website, well…here it is.
My apologies to everybody for not having something fresh on the site the last week or so. To be honest, it’s been a busy week in my “other” world as managing editor of a local weekly newspaper (anyone who thinks nothing happens in a small town really needs to get out of the big city), and I’ve also been working with a friend and fellow survivor on a speaking project that we hope to debut sometime in the next few months.
My friend, who lives up the road a spell (how’s that for small-town lingo?), is a fellow Toastmaster and professional speaker who has done some great historical work. She was assaulted as a young girl, and was inspired by my willingness to come out and talk about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault (we don’t use the “V” word in my world, and neither should you). She approached me earlier this year about teaming up for a program, and we’re excited about the project.
It is of utmost importance, I feel, for a survivor of sexual assault to speak out about his or her experience. It is a crime that has been suffered in silence for far too long, and we’re seeing more and more stories coming out in the media regarding individuals who have been sexually assaulted, especially those who are kids.
I first wrote about my experience in my early years in the newspaper business, and for a long time I was surprised at the response that I received for publicly telling my story. Gratitude was in abundance as people called or wrote letters and e-mails, thanking me for telling my story. Many mentioned that they, too, were sexually assaulted at one point in their lives and have never been able to talk about it outside of a very tight circle of family or friends. For some, their communication with me was the first time they had EVER talked about their experience to ANYONE. I was grateful to have been the one they felt comfortable enough to talk to, even if it was in written form.
My book, “Call Me A Survivor,” is my complete and unedited account of my experience as a survivor of sexual assault. While many survivors endure years of abuse at the hands of their attacker, mine was a one-time experience that haunted me for a long, long time. It still impact my life 37 years later, although in a much more positive manner than it did for many years before.
And that’s not to say I’ve completely overcome my experience – every day for me is a challenge to beat down the residual effects of what happened to me behind the swimming pool in a small Nebraska town in the spring of 1976. Self-esteem is my biggest hurdle – in spite of all the good in my life, all the awards I’ve received and all the positive comments that have been heaped upon me in my work, I still hear the voice that tells me that I’m unworthy of all the good in my life, because I was sexually assaulted as a 9-year-old boy. Do I acknowledge its presence? Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. Do I ACT on its words and demands? Consciously, I do not, but there are some things that I do that, as I think about them, are part of that subconscious train of thought that was burned into me with that experience. They are issues I continue to address, even 37 years after the attack.
While that may sound depressing and may make you feel there’s no hope for those of us who are survivors, I took some comfort recently in listening to the audiobook of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Steven Covey. In his afterward, he discusses some of the most-asked questions he gets from readers. One of the questions was whether or not he had MASTERED the seven habits. He said he had not, even to this day, been able to completely master and consistently live out the seven habits he wrote about. He said that he makes every effort to live his life based on those seven habits, but sometimes falls short in one area or another.
As I listened to his words, I took some comfort in knowing that, as hard as I try to live my life in a positive and uplifting manner and work to overcome all the negative energy that this experience left in me, I still fall short in some areas. I work hard every day to win the war, and while the war itself is still being fought, I’m successful in more of the daily skirmishes every day. I stumble and catch myself taking a step or two back on occasion, but I get back up and give it another shot the next day.
Two things I enjoy in my spare time are golf and poker. Both games are a lot like life – there are times when things come easy and you have success, whether it’s hitting a perfect shot that lands inches from the cup or draw the card that helps you win a big pot. There are times where you make all the right moves, yet don’t see the success that should come with it. And there are those occasions where you do something completely crazy and give yourself a good mental kick in the pants for making such a bad decision.
And yet, for all of that, you continue to play the game because you enjoy it and you know a good result is on the horizon. Life is, in many ways, the same. We’ll never live the perfect life, much the same as we’ll never play the perfect round of golf or have the perfect night at the poker table. But we get up each day and give it our best shot, learn from the missteps and make the best of the good times, and look forward to the opportunity to do it again tomorrow.
I realize this blog has bounced between some thoughts and ideas, but I hope that, as a SURVIVOR of sexual assault, you understand that there is good in your heart, and there is good in your life. Don’t deny yourself these opportunities – attack them and take full advantage of the positives in your life.
Until we chat again . . .
Mikey C

A resource for survivors of sexual assault