Comedian Adam Ferrara has a funny bit about friends who aren’t doctors, but also aren’t shy about offering medical device. And I can’t help thinking about this as I write the following:
I’m not a doctor, but . . .
One of the things survivors of sexual assault must deal with, one way or another, are some of the symptoms that are consistent with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as PTSD.
The Mayo Clinic’s website defines PTSD as a mental health condition that is set into motion by a terrifying event, such as a sexual assault. Flashbacks are common, as are nightmares and severe anxiety.
For some people, the aftermath of the experience includes some of these experiences, but survivors adjust and are able to cope with it. For others, though, the problems that come from the nightmares and the flashbacks say with them for a long time and can be a real detriment to living the kind of healthy and happy life we all deserve to live.
The memory of what happened can come back at any time, and its manifestation can be triggered by even the most unlikely of situations.
I was attacked in the spring of 1976 and had numerous nightmares and flashbacks about the experience. They lessened in frequency and severity over time, but one situation that happened more than 20 years later triggered a panic attack that actually helped me achieve a certain degree of justice for what happened to me two decades earlier.
In the summer of 1998, I was working as a sports writer for the Norfolk Daily News in Norfolk, Neb. As I was finishing up a page that I had laid out for that day’s paper, I was looking at another page that had the county court record with information on court cases, traffic infractions, marriages and other public information from the courthouse that is regularly published in newspapers.
I had no real reason to look at the page, other than that it was there on the paste-up board. I started scanning to the names, laughing at myself as I wondered if there would be somebody I knew in the criminal court section. Not being a guy that regularly hung out with the area’s criminal element, the thought that somebody I knew might be on the list elicited a laugh.
And then . . . I saw his name and the crime he was being charged with – first-degree sexual assault.
The flashback that came suddenly made me tremble. I could feel myself shaking, my eyes welling up with tears. I quickly composed myself, excused myself from work for the day and drove to the county courthouse to read up on the case.
I found that my attacker had sexually assaulted a vulnerable adult on a county road. He had a rather dubious history in the court system, everything from sexual assault to impersonating a police officer.
Working with the county attorney, I wrote a letter to the district judge and explained my connection to the attacker. For the first time, I told my story to someone outside of my personal circle of friends and family. The letter made a huge impact – the county attorney said the district judge had traditionally given 1-2 year sentences for this crime, but he wound up throwing the book at this individual – he got five years in prison (the maximum sentence in Nebraska at that time) and had to register as a lifetime member of the state’s Sex Offender Registry.
Fortunately, the flashback that I had at that moment ultimately had a positive outcome. However, there are many other symptoms that survivors of sexual assault deal with that could be linked to PTSD.
Symptoms can include:
– upsetting nightmares about the event
– feeling emotionally numb
– feelings of hopelessness
– discontinuing activities you once enjoyed
– trouble concentrating or remembering things
– difficulty maintaining close friendships or relationships
– uncontrollable irritability or anger
– overwhelming guilt or shame
– self-destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, sexual activity)
– being easily frightened
– hearing or seeing things that don’t exist
PTSD is also difficult for those who are in the survivor’s inner circle. They want to help, but may not have a point of reference in their personal history to use in an effort to help the survivor. It’s common for us to want to say something like “I know how you feel” to help ease the tension. However, if you haven’t been through the experience yourself, you really have no idea HOW or WHAT a survivor is feeling or experiencing.
Fortunately, there are some things you CAN do to help a survivor who might be experiencing some of the symptoms of PTSD:
– Listen, but don’t force the issue. Help the survivor understand that you are there if they need a shoulder to lean on, but don’t insist that they unload everything. Let it happen on THEIR schedule, and be ready and willing to receive the information when they are ready to give it to you.
– Find a place and time to chat. When they are ready, make sure you can sit down and chat without any outside distractions. Whether it’s the local coffee shop or around the dining room table at home, sit down and REALLY listen. If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification. And make sure the phrase “I know just how you feel” is NEVER used . . . unless, of course, you have personally experienced a similar situation in your life.
– Take five. If things are getting a little too stressful, don’t be afraid to take a time out. Everything doesn’t have to come out all at once, and if either of you are feeling a little too intense about things, step back for a minute and pick up the conversation at a later time. Make sure you follow through on it, though . . . don’t leave your friend or loved one hanging out there feeling like they don’t have someone to talk to.
– Don’t minimize the threat of suicide. Sometimes, a survivor feels they have no choice left but to take their own life. Be cool about it, but don’t let the threat go without taking whatever steps are needed to keep the survivor safe and alive. If there is imminent danger of a suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Make sure everything from medications, sharp objects or firearms are not in a location that is easily accessible. Stay with that individual until help arrives.
But don’t take my word for it (remember, I’m not a doctor). The Mayo Clinic has some wonderful information about PTSD available on their website, and I would encourage you to read through their information and, if you are suffering from some of the symptoms listed, to talk with your healthcare provider and get the help you need to win the battle.
Category Archives: About
You’re not the one to blame
Why didn’t you . . .
Why couldn’t you . . .
How could you . . .
These are questions that survivors of sexual assault hear time and time again. They hear it from family members, friends, investigating officers – there are countless times when this question is asked in the days after a sexual assault.
The one person who asks those questions most often, though, is the survivor.
It’s been 38 years since my attack, and for the vast majority of those years I have replayed the moment in my mind with completely different scenarios and outcomes.
I’m sure, if somebody were to invent a contraption that would allow us to turn back time and undo that which was done, we’d jump at the opportunity to go back to that moment in our lives and replay the situation using the knowledge we have gained and the experiences we have been through SINCE that fateful day.
But here’s the thing – we can’t. There’s no way that we can spin the clock in reverse, put the dates back on the calendar that have fallen away, and go back to that moment in time when we were assaulted and change the outcome.
Many times, the questions are asked as if we, as survivors, are somehow to blame for what happened to us. Is there something we could have done DIFFERENTLY to prevent the attack from happening? Is there something YOU could have – or, as they like to accuse (without saying it), SHOULD have – done to prevent this attack from occurring?
And the answer is, quite simply – no.
When I was attacked as a 9-year-old boy, I didn’t have any of the life skills that we teach our kids today to avoid contact with strangers or evil people. The idea of Stranger Danger wasn’t something that our school officials thought needed to be taught in a small town of 800 people like the one I lived in.
Maybe my naive nature as a little boy was to blame. I trusted that people who said they were going to do something would back their words up with action. If you said you were going to be home for dinner at 5:30, you were home at 5:30. So, in my mind, when my attacker wouldn’t give up my bike and offered to give me a ride home, I assumed he would ride my bike back to my house and then walk home from there.
When we came to a stop behind the swimming pool – several blocks away from my house – I realized that not everybody did as they said. My attacker held all the cards in that moment. He had all the power. He was a foot taller and much bigger than I was. I could run, but he would catch me. I could scream and kick, but he would easily silence me. The threat of my life being taken from me made me an easy prey for him.
In other words – there was NOTHING that I could do to prevent the attack from happening. It’s a reality that took me a long, LONG time to grasp and understand – and it’s a reality that you, as a survivor, need to understand . . .
TODAY!
RIGHT HERE!
RIGHT NOW!
It took me the better part of 35 years to come to terms with the fact that what happened to me was not my fault. You can not believe the freedom that came when that weight was lifted from my shoulders. When I finally was convinced that I shared zero blame for what happened, it felt like being let out of my own personal dungeon of darkness and despair.
You also share absolutely ZERO blame for your situation. The blame falls ENTIRELY and UNEQUIVOCALLY upon your attacker. Nothing you can do, say or feel will change what has happened.
However, there is something you CAN do to change the situation . . . and you can begin right now by accepting that unquestionable truth that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
— It doesn’t matter what the relationship was (or is) between you and your perpetrator.
— It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were at the moment of the attack.
— It doesn’t matter what their social, financial or religious standing is (nor yours, for that matter).
ALL THAT MATTERS is this – your perpetrator is 100 PERCENT to blame for the experience that you two share. It is ENTIRELY on the perpetrator, and there is nothing you could’ve/should’ve/would’ve done to change that.
We can not go back and change history. Nothing we can do, say or feel will alter what has happened.
What we CAN do, however, is change the way we view ourselves in what happened, understand that what happened is not our fault and move forward with our lives and understand that life happens and we can only live it forward and comprehend it in reverse.
You did all that you could do – now do something for yourself and leave the blame where it deserves to be placed – on your perpetrator.
Carrying on and looking ahead
It was 38 years ago this week – and it still feels like it happened yesterday.
I was hanging out with friends on an unusually-mild late March afternoon in the small town of Newman Grove, Neb., when the older brother of a classmate happened along and took my bicycle for a ride. When I asked for him to return my bike so that I could go home, he offered to give me a ride.
Instead of going home, though, he drove me to a place behind the local swimming pool . . . and stole my innocence.
I’ve tried to forget that experience many times since then. I’ve tried ignoring the day, replacing the memory with drugs and alcohol, and doing anything else I could to try and erase that horrible moment in my life from my mind.
I’ve second-guessed myself for years, wondered if there was something else I could have done. Could I have escaped this monster and still come out of the experience alive? What if I had done this differently . . . what would have been the final outcome then?
For a lot of years, I chose not to talk about it. Better to act as if it never happened than have to revisit and re-create the events in my mind. It was bad enough dealing with the nightmares, the bedwetting, the bullying and all the negative experiences I was going through without actually coming out and talking about it.
Even if I would have, it would have been difficult to talk about surviving a sexual assault attack. Back in the 1970’s and 1980’s, sexual assault was not discussed openly – and especially if the target happened to be a boy. Boys NEVER get sexually assaulted . . . they’re always the perpetrators of the crime.
Thank GOD times have changed.
We still have a long way to go as we advance in the 21st century, but it’s becoming a lot easier for those of us who are survivors of sexual assault to talk about our experiences, express our emotions and drag our perpetrators out into the light of the criminal justice system to make sure they are punished for their crimes and carry the shame and the stigma that goes with being a perpetrator of a sex-related crime with them for the rest of their lives, much the same way we must carry on through life as a survivor of sexual assault.
This April, I’m speaking out about my experience and encouraging others to Tell Someone, Anyone and Everyone about sexual assault. I’ve taken a break from preparations for my speech to write this blog entry and encourage everybody to take a stand against this crime – especially if you’re one of those who have had this crime become a part of your life.
There is a lot of work that has yet to be done in this country to put this crime on the front burners of our legislators and criminal justice officials. As more and more survivors come forward and share their stories, it’s becoming more and more difficult for people in courthouses and state capitols across the country to ignore this crime and the impact it leaves on those it touches.
I won’t ever be able to undo what happened to me behind that public swimming pool in the spring of 1976 – and while we can’t go back and change what happened yesterday, we can look forward to tomorrow and work to make sure experiences we survivors have been through are dealt with and those who would commit these horrible crimes are given the proper judgement due them.
If you want to share your story with me, shoot me an e-mail at mike@mikeycproductions.com.
Inspired to action
I’ve been inspired into action.
When people ask why I would take a leave of absence from my job to speak out about sexual assault, that’s always been my first response.
I was sexually assaulted at the age of 9, and it’s an experience that continues to be a part of my existence on this earth. It’s something that will never NOT be a part of who I am, and this is something I’ve come to accept and use as the driving inspiration for what I’m about to do.
I’ve found that my communication of my experience to others has been a great benefit, both to myself as a sort of personal therapy and to others who have found inspiration and their own personal call to action in listening to my speech.
My first major speech in front of a group of people came last April during Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) activities at Wayne State College (check out the video of that speech here). My speech was a moving experience for a lot of people, including myself. It had confirmed a truth that it took a long time for me to understand, and I’m sure it opened the eyes of a number of young people in the audience who have struggled with it as well — we are not alone in this.
It’s become something of a tradition for me to hear from fellow survivors after my speech. I’ve had people come up to me immediately after a presentation and share their story with me. Others have waited and have contacted me, whether by e-mail or in face-to-face encounters, shared their experience and thanked me for having the courage to share my story. Knowing that my presentations have helped one person is all the inspiration I need to continue this work.
That’s why I’ve been inspired to action again, taking the risk of leaving my job for the entire month of April to speak out during SAAM anywhere and everywhere. We have a serious problem in this country when 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys have to endure the terror of this crime as a part of their lives. It’s a situation no child should ever have to live with, and I feel it’s worth the time and effort for me to share my story and encourage those who have been through this experience to speak out and Tell (Some/Any/Every) One.
This is a crime that relies on the silence of the victim in order for the perpetrator to be successful. When it comes to this crime, sex is all about power, and the perpetrator uses that power to keep his/her victims from spilling the beans. My perpetrator threatened my life if I told anybody – but I told anyway. My parents knew there was a problem and took action, and our family was essentially ostracized by the community for damaging the life of a local teenage boy (never mind the damage that he left on my physical and emotional well-being, scars that remain almost 40 years later). Getting fellow survivors to understand that the perpetrator wins ONLY through that intimidation of silence is why I continue to speak out about my own experience.
My inspiration to create a month-long speaking tour takes a lot of effort. I’ve spent almost every free moment I’ve had in the last several weeks contacting school districts, libraries, domestic violence organizations and child advocacy support groups to line up speaking engagements. I’m also asking for the support of anyone and everyone who can provide financial assistance that will help me with book printing, video production and travel costs through a funding project on Kickstarter. If you can help out in any way financially, it would be greatly appreciated.
We are not alone as survivors of sexual assault, and we need to tell our story to the world. The inspiration for this project comes from that simple truth, and I intend to spend the month of April sharing my message and inspiring others to their own personal action. I want to be the spark that fans the flames for survivors to open up, share their experiences and help them understand they are not victims – they are survivors.
Erin’s Law needs to become THE law
In my last blog entry, I talked about how we, as survivors of sexual assault, are not alone.
What concerns me, as I have begun to speak publicly about my experience and what it’s like to go through life living what I have lived as a survivor, is that there are so many young people in this country who are living through the same hell that I’ve gone through — and so little is being done about it.
The Centers for Disease Control has determined that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday. If you do the math, that’s about 20 percent of our population of young people who will have been subjected to this horrible crime – and who knows how many more are hiding what has happened to them?
Something must be done, and there is a young lady in Illinois who is making it her life’s work to do something about it.
Erin Merryn was twice a victim of sexual assault – first at the hands of the uncle of a childhood friend on her first-ever sleepover, and later at the hands of a cousin who assaulted her for two years before she decided to take action.
Merryn has helped craft “Erin’s Law” and is working to get it passed in all 50 states. At this writing, eight states have signed the legislation into law (including Arkansas, where a legislative committee was so moved by her testimony that they basically whipped the legislation through to the full Arkansas Legislature and got it passed in days, where most legislation takes months to approve). Another 18 states have it, or legislation similar to it, under consideration during the 2014 legislative year.
“Erin’s Law” requires schools in that state to provide age-appropriate curriculum for kids on sexual abuse, starting in preschool. Kids are educated on safe/unsafe touch, safe/unsafe secrets and “how to get away and tell today.” Her home state of Illinois first passed the law in 2011, with Missouri following later that year. Since then, it has become law in Indiana, Maine, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi and is soon to become law in Nevada.
Here in Nebraska, I’ve talked with my state senator, Dave Bloomfield of Hoskins, and he has sponsored LB143, which got out of committee during the 2013 session of the Nebraska Unicameral but did not get to the floor for consideration. I like to refer to LB143 as “Erin’s Law Lite,” as it does not require school districts to provide this curriculum. Instead, the bill requires the state’s Department of Education to craft a template that schools would have the option to use for developing this curriculum.
It’s not enough, however, to give school districts the “option” to determine whether or not their children need to be instructed on a topic that is of vital importance to their young lives. When 20 percent of the kids in this country are facing a life of hell as a survivor of sexual abuse, they need to be made aware of what is right or wrong and how to, as Merryn states, get away and tell today.
Nebraska isn’t the only state that’s dragging their feet on this issue. The state of New York has several influential individuals within their state legislature and the department of education who, for reasons logical thought can’t seem to grasp, are trying to put up a brick wall to keep Erin’s Law from becoming the law in New York. Although it passed the state’s Senate in April of 2012, it is still waiting to get through the House and to the governor’s desk for final passage.
Other states that has Erin’s Law under consideration include Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Hawaii, Iowa, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Mexico, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee and Utah. On the erinslaw.org website, it states that Erin “intends to lobby legislators in all 50 states until they all pass Erin’s Law.”
If your state isn’t on the list of states who have passed or are considering Erin’s Law, I invite you to check out erinslaw.org, which tells the story about the law, what is being done and provides a lot of useful information. Erin is out speaking about the topic on a national level, and will come to your state to lobby for the legislation.
One of my goals for 2014 is to make sure Erin Merryn comes to Nebraska to get the Legislature moving toward passage of LB143, as well as making an effort to upgrade that law and make it mandatory, not optional, for schools to educate their children about safe/unsafe touch, safe/unsafe secrets and how to “get away and tell today.” Our children shouldn’t have to live with the hell that we, as survivors, have been through. When 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are being sexually abused in this country, something has to be done, starting with the education of our kids. Erin’s Law needs to become THE law in all 50 states. Eight are on board . . . and I’m not going to sit back and let Nebraska wait to be among the next to join that list.
A very busy summer – and a time for change
It has been two months since I last posted here – a busy two months.
It was an unusually busy summer in my job as managing editor of my local newspaper, between summer sports, county fairs and local community celebrations – not to mention family visits and a much-needed vacation – and it was a good opportunity for me to reflect on what I want to do here and in the future as a public speaker and advocate for those who are fellow survivors of sexual assault.
At some point in everybody’s life, they feel a need to make some kind of major change in their lives. For some, it’s a family-related situation like marriage or divorce. Others have grown tired of being overweight and make the effort to change their eating and activity behaviors to drop the extra weight.
For me, it is beginning the transition from a 30-year career as a small-town journalist to that of a full-time public speaker. My goal is – sometime between my 50th birthday (less than three years from now) and my 52nd, I will be speaking out on a full-time basis while giving myself the freedom to continue on a much smaller scale as a freelance writer and photographer.
I feel like I’m being called by a higher power to make this change in my life, because my personal struggle with life as a survivor of sexual assault is one that must be shared with the world. The message that there is life beyond the attack must get out, and while my situation certainly is not unique, it is one that can be used to help inspire others who are living through the same hell I found myself in.
Already (if you’ve checked out the calendar of events on the home page), I’ve lined up some public speaking events near my home town, and am in negotiations to do several more engagements in my home state of Nebraska in the weeks and months ahead. I don’t want to limit myself to one little corner of the world, though – I look forward to crossing the state’s borders and going across the country to spread the message for fellow survivors who are looking for hope, to let them know that there IS hope for them to go on and live life as a SURVIVOR of sexual assault.
I have been inspired by the work of people like Erin Merryn, a young woman in Illinois who not only has told her story, but used it to help influence legislation that is spreading nationwide. I want to bring Erin’s Law to my home state of Nebraska, and I want to do more to make sure those who sexually assault our children are put away in prison for a much longer period than they are now. I also want to work to get the message to judges who fail to dispense the proper judgement due to those who assault our children that their ignorance of this crime can no longer stand.
There is much work to do, and as things move forward I will continue updating you here. I will also post more news that I see on the web regarding stories relating to child sexual assault, and hope that you will spread the word about the Tell (Some, Any, Every) One website and the battle against child sexual assault.
I promise – it won’t be two months until the next time you hear from me here. In the meantime, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com if you’d like to have me speak to your school, library or community. I can pass information along about my story and what it will take to get me to your community, and I look forward to the opportunity to help others in this ongoing battle.
Until next time…as my dad always says – straight ahead.
Mike
P.S. – If you have not yet read my book, “Call Me A Survivor,” you can order it here at Amazon.com.
A never-ending movie, and you control the script
If you’re like me, there are certain experiences in life that feel like they’re repeats of old movies you used to watch.
Being a survivor of child sexual assault is sometimes like a sick, twisted version of “Groundhog Day,” the BIll Murray classic where his character continues to experience the same day, over and over again, and tries to right the wrongs he committed the previous day.
No matter what level of abuse you have experienced, there are times when you feel like you’re re-living the experience. Something as simple as a smell or a scene along a county road can trigger flashbacks of what you experienced in your youth. You aren’t experiencing the physical attack, but the memories of that experience jump up and take over, maybe for a moment or in the form of a nightmare that violently shakes you from a deep sleep.
There is rarely ever a set time for such a flashback to appear. It’s one of the many wonders of the human brain in how it is able to attach certain experiences to senses that we generally take for granted. Something as simple as a Nebraska corn field can be a thing of beauty to one person, and a horrible reminder of an attack to another.
The question I often get asked is, “When will these flashbacks stop?” It really depends on the person, particularly in how they handle their experience in the years going forward, but I don’t think we ever really completely get over the experience.
My attack happened 37 years ago this past spring, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I’ve visited the small Nebraska town where the attack happened on numerous occasions in the years since. I actually spoke at their school’s athletic banquet one year (an impromptu speech that came about when the scheduled speaker, who I was to interview for the local paper, couldn’t make it due to a weather-related flight cancellation), played golf on their golf course for a feature series and have driven back to the “scene of the crime” as part of my research for my book “Call Me A Survivor” to allow myself an opportunity to relive the experience and remember what I was feeling and thinking on that fateful day.
I’ve decided that, if I’m going to live with this experience for the rest of my life, I’m going to do something proactive that will not only help me, but help others to deal with the experiences in their lives that have led them to be survivors of sexual assault. I’ve talked with counselors and therapists, consulted with close friends and made every effort I can to keep my experience out in the open, where I can talk about it and handle those flashback situations in a quick and effective manner.
Just this past week, I experienced such a flashback while watching a classic rock program on the VH1 Classic cable channel. Growing up in the 70’s and early 80’s, I was blessed to have had some of the best rock and roll to listen to during those years. For some reason, a song from that era triggered a negative emotion in me that led me to begin replaying that spring evening behind the local swimming pool when I was assaulted. I caught myself and reminded myself that undoing what has already been done is impossible, and that I should let that negative emotion go.
Like many self-help experts have told us: you are what you think…energy flows where attention goes…what we think about, comes about. Instead of focusing what has already happened, I turned my attention to what I intend to happen as I speak publicly about my experience to schools, churches, organizations and government officials, now and in the future.
Like it or not, if you are a survivor of child sexual assault, you will never NOT be a survivor of child sexual assault ever again. In some ways, it’s like being an addict . . . you may overcome the addiction, but you will always be an addict. The same holds true for those of us who are CSA survivors. We will ALWAYS have this experience as a part of our lives — the question is, how are we going to address it and deal with it during those moments in time when it inevitably rears its ugly head? It’s one never-ending movie where the script is always up to us to write, and I hope you choose whatever way that is most comfortable for you and will move you toward a positive result in your life.
E-mail Michael Carnes at mike@mikeycproductions.com.
When to tell? When YOU are ready, let it rock
In my first post on the site, I asked the question, “When is NOW the time to tell the world about child sexual abuse?”
In the general sense, there is no time like the present to tell the world about this crime, a crime that affects 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys under the age of 18 in the United States alone.
But when is it the right time for YOU to tell the world about YOUR experience?
For me, the telling of my story has been an ongoing process. I had discussed it with family and close friends many times over the years, but telling my story in a public manner was a long time coming. I wrote one of my first newspaper columns about my experience in the summer of 2001, and had shared the experience several times more before writing my book, “Call Me A Survivor” in the summer of 2012.
I’m taking my message worldwide now and using my voice to speak out on the subject. My weekly video chat on Spreecast.com is another avenue to talk about my experience, and I’m building a calendar of public speaking events and looking to make an impact in my state legislature here in Nebraska as well.
But when is it the right time for YOU to speak out about YOUR experience?
That’s a question I can’t answer. In fact, there is really only one person who can answer that question, and that person is you.
We all have our own comfort levels when it comes to speaking out about personal issues. Some, like me, are completely open and up front about what happened to them and the impact the attack has had on our lives.
There are many out there, though, who are either afraid to tell their story, or simply want to forget it ever happened and live with the pain that came with the attack that they survived.
I’ve met several people, during the course of my travels, who have told me about their experiences. At some point in the conversation, they say something along the lines of “I’ve never told this to anybody before.” They are shocked that they felt comfortable telling me about their experience, and at the same time they realize just what a weight it was that they have lifted off their shoulders by sharing their experience with someone they feel they can trust.
At first, I was surprised at who I was getting responses from when I wrote my local newspaper columns. Business people, educators, and fellow working members of the media were calling, texting, e-mailing and Facebooking me, thanking me for sharing my story and then telling a little bit about their experience. These were people that I have developed professional (and, in some cases, personal) relationships with who were sharing their stories. It was mind-blowing, and yet it was something that I feel privileged to have been called upon by God to experience.
Part of my purpose in all that I have done, from the book to this website, is to make sure that my fellow survivors understand that it is OK to tell someone, anyone and everyone about their experience. Those who have attacked us count on us to remain silent. They use fear, intimidation and threats of physical violence (or other means) to keep us from spilling the beans. For as many cases of sexual assault that are reported each year, studies have shown that there are up to 10 times as many unreported cases that we never hear about.
One friend mine is a survivor who feels she can’t tell her story yet. She wants to in the worst way, but feels there is retribution awaiting both her and her family if she were to bring her story out of the darkness. Her story is safe with me until she is ready, and I have a feeling that day is going to come very soon for her. I hope and pray that she finds the strength and experiences the freedom that telling my story has brought me at this point in my life.
If you feel that telling your story won’t make any kind of difference, know that you couldn’t be more wrong. There are many, many people out there who need to know that they are not alone in their suffering, and those of us who have summoned the courage and strength to tell our story are helping those who wait to tell theirs.
The bottom line, though is that YOU will be tell your story only when YOU are ready. Your NOW moment will be one that you will feel in the deepest part of your soul, and it will give you the strength you need to get that story to come out. Do not buy into the fear and intimidation if you know telling your story will help you and help others as well.
When the time comes, let it rock.
It’s important for survivors to speak out
Michael Carnes – Webmaster
For those of you wondering about an update to our website, well…here it is.
My apologies to everybody for not having something fresh on the site the last week or so. To be honest, it’s been a busy week in my “other” world as managing editor of a local weekly newspaper (anyone who thinks nothing happens in a small town really needs to get out of the big city), and I’ve also been working with a friend and fellow survivor on a speaking project that we hope to debut sometime in the next few months.
My friend, who lives up the road a spell (how’s that for small-town lingo?), is a fellow Toastmaster and professional speaker who has done some great historical work. She was assaulted as a young girl, and was inspired by my willingness to come out and talk about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault (we don’t use the “V” word in my world, and neither should you). She approached me earlier this year about teaming up for a program, and we’re excited about the project.
It is of utmost importance, I feel, for a survivor of sexual assault to speak out about his or her experience. It is a crime that has been suffered in silence for far too long, and we’re seeing more and more stories coming out in the media regarding individuals who have been sexually assaulted, especially those who are kids.
I first wrote about my experience in my early years in the newspaper business, and for a long time I was surprised at the response that I received for publicly telling my story. Gratitude was in abundance as people called or wrote letters and e-mails, thanking me for telling my story. Many mentioned that they, too, were sexually assaulted at one point in their lives and have never been able to talk about it outside of a very tight circle of family or friends. For some, their communication with me was the first time they had EVER talked about their experience to ANYONE. I was grateful to have been the one they felt comfortable enough to talk to, even if it was in written form.
My book, “Call Me A Survivor,” is my complete and unedited account of my experience as a survivor of sexual assault. While many survivors endure years of abuse at the hands of their attacker, mine was a one-time experience that haunted me for a long, long time. It still impact my life 37 years later, although in a much more positive manner than it did for many years before.
And that’s not to say I’ve completely overcome my experience – every day for me is a challenge to beat down the residual effects of what happened to me behind the swimming pool in a small Nebraska town in the spring of 1976. Self-esteem is my biggest hurdle – in spite of all the good in my life, all the awards I’ve received and all the positive comments that have been heaped upon me in my work, I still hear the voice that tells me that I’m unworthy of all the good in my life, because I was sexually assaulted as a 9-year-old boy. Do I acknowledge its presence? Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. Do I ACT on its words and demands? Consciously, I do not, but there are some things that I do that, as I think about them, are part of that subconscious train of thought that was burned into me with that experience. They are issues I continue to address, even 37 years after the attack.
While that may sound depressing and may make you feel there’s no hope for those of us who are survivors, I took some comfort recently in listening to the audiobook of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Steven Covey. In his afterward, he discusses some of the most-asked questions he gets from readers. One of the questions was whether or not he had MASTERED the seven habits. He said he had not, even to this day, been able to completely master and consistently live out the seven habits he wrote about. He said that he makes every effort to live his life based on those seven habits, but sometimes falls short in one area or another.
As I listened to his words, I took some comfort in knowing that, as hard as I try to live my life in a positive and uplifting manner and work to overcome all the negative energy that this experience left in me, I still fall short in some areas. I work hard every day to win the war, and while the war itself is still being fought, I’m successful in more of the daily skirmishes every day. I stumble and catch myself taking a step or two back on occasion, but I get back up and give it another shot the next day.
Two things I enjoy in my spare time are golf and poker. Both games are a lot like life – there are times when things come easy and you have success, whether it’s hitting a perfect shot that lands inches from the cup or draw the card that helps you win a big pot. There are times where you make all the right moves, yet don’t see the success that should come with it. And there are those occasions where you do something completely crazy and give yourself a good mental kick in the pants for making such a bad decision.
And yet, for all of that, you continue to play the game because you enjoy it and you know a good result is on the horizon. Life is, in many ways, the same. We’ll never live the perfect life, much the same as we’ll never play the perfect round of golf or have the perfect night at the poker table. But we get up each day and give it our best shot, learn from the missteps and make the best of the good times, and look forward to the opportunity to do it again tomorrow.
I realize this blog has bounced between some thoughts and ideas, but I hope that, as a SURVIVOR of sexual assault, you understand that there is good in your heart, and there is good in your life. Don’t deny yourself these opportunities – attack them and take full advantage of the positives in your life.
Until we chat again . . .
Mikey C
I’m not alone – and neither are you
For many years, I thought that nobody could understand the hell that I had been through.
I was sexually assaulted by the older brother of a classmate in the spring of 1976. I was not quite 10 years old at the time, and for many years after I felt as if I was suffering alone.
It wasn’t until many years later, when I began reading and hearing stories of fellow survivors of sexual assault, that I began to realize I wasn’t the only individual whose life was turned upside down thanks to the sick, twisted perversion of another person. Still, nobody had experienced MY suffering, I felt, so I never could really grasp the truth that others had suffered as I had.
As time wore on and the topic of child sexual assault began to make headlines, most notably in the Catholic church and with the Jerry Sandusky controversy at Penn State University, I really came to the understanding that my suffering is not unique. In the aftermath of writing my book, “Call Me A Survivor,” the numbers I have found through research further drive that point home. The fact that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys in the United States are sexually abused before their 18th birthday is a staggering number. And of those individuals of both genders who are sexually abused in this country, less than a third of them report the crime to authorities.
Are you one of those who are under the age of 18 and have experienced this horrific crime? Are you one of those individuals who don’t think reporting the crime committed against you is going to do any good, for whatever reason?
If you are one of those people, there is something you need to know – you are not alone.
I have written a number of newspaper columns, both before and after work on my book, and it always amazes me how many responses I receive from writing those columns in the weekly newspaper I work at in Nebraska. The thanks for being willing to tell my story, especially when they feel they can’t tell their own publicly, is worth so much to me.
The thing I always seem to find surprising, though, is exactly WHO is contacting me. I have business leaders, education administrators, professionals, and people from all walks of life and all types of social and financial status who privately communicate with me their experiences. Some have told nobody BUT me about their experience, and I’m grateful that they feel they can trust me with their stories, but the fact that this crime has had such an impact on such a wide scale really hammers home the point that we, as survivors of sexual assault and/or child sexual assault, are not alone.
You may be reading this and questioning whether or not you should tell your story. People may not understand, or just flat out don’t believe what happened to you. You need to understand that you are not alone in this world, and those of us who share your experience have a story to tell, just as you do. Do not be afraid, under any circumstances, to reach out to others who have been through the experiences you have in your life. You are not alone, and there is peace in this world for survivors like you and I.