Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to being a survivor of sexual assault.
Since publishing my book “Call Me A Survivor” two years ago, I’ve been out speaking publicly about my experience. I’ve told my story, over and over, to people of all ages, races, genders, shapes and sizes. I’ve spoken to thousands of school-age students and adults about what I went through.
After one of my first speeches, a young lady came up to me with tears in her eyes, hugged me, and thanked me for telling my story. She didn’t have to tell me that we had a shared experience as survivors of sexual assault, but it was clear to me that what I had said about my own experience had made her think about her own experience.
That’s part of the reason why I talk about my own experience in front of people – I know there are countless men and women, young and old, who have been through this experience and have had to live with it for however many years. I was somewhat fortunate in that my perpetrator was brought to justice (his didn’t come as a result of my case, but I was able to get some sense of closure many years later – details are in my book). Many of the people who experience sexual assault are intimidated or otherwise forced into a vow of silence, allowing the criminal to walk away from the crime without punishment.
The hardest part for a sexual assault survivor is bringing their perpetrator to justice. Those who commit these crimes will use any and every possible act of intimidation to silence their victims. Threats of violence (if not the actual act), legal maneuverings, withholding of opportunities, bribes of money or gifts – a perpetrator will play any and every card in the deck to keep their victims silent. And the higher they are in society, the easier it is for them to get away with it.
More and more these days, survivors are coming out and speaking about what has happened to them, and it seems to get more play in the mainstream media when the crime involves somebody who is famous or well-known to the majority of the population. These crimes, more often than not, challenge our way of thinking, particularly if the alleged perpetrator is somebody well-known in our society.
Recently, stories have come out regarding legendary comedian, TV personality and Jell-O pudding pitchman Bill Cosby. I don’t have to tell you what he’s done over the course of his career – if you’ve lived in America more than 30 minutes, you know about everything from the “Fat Albert” cartoons he authored on Saturday mornings to “The Cosby Show,” one of the all-time great situation comedies in American TV history.
His comedy albums in the 60’s and 70’s were pure comic genius. I’ve had the opportunity to see his shows on TV and attended one live a few years ago, and his unique perspective on everything from raising children to being married have always made me laugh hysterically.
When these stories first came out, it was hard for me to believe, as I’m sure it was for anybody who has seen the guy over the last 50 years. He comes off as pleasant, friendly, intelligent – not the kind of guy who would sexually assault women.
A story posted on the Washington Post’s website, though, paints quite a different picture of the real-life man from the one we’ve seen on TV and on stage – numerous accounts of women who were drugged and sexually assaulted by a man who held considerable influence in American entertainment and society, and it’s taken these survivors 30-40 years or more to come forth and tell their stories.
Of course, Cosby has not been arrested or charged with any crimes relating to these stories, and attorneys for the family have gone out of their way to discredit the individuals who claim they were attacked by Cosby. His attorneys are spending a lot of time and effort trying to get us to believe that these crimes never happened and that these women are opportunistic individuals who are trying to benefit financially at the expense of the integrity of a comedy legend.
As much as I have enjoyed Cosby’s work over the years, though, I have to wonder if there isn’t something to these stories these women have come out with. One person telling a story is one thing – but when it’s multiple individuals telling very similar stories in how they were assaulted, it’s hard to just dismiss it, regardless of Cosby’s standing in American entertainment history.
Also, consider that a number of major corporations who have been, or were planning on, doing business with Cosby – people like the NBC television network, Netflix and others – are suddenly pulling the plug on these relationships with the comedian. These corporations wouldn’t be so quick to sever ties unless there was some fire fueling the smoke, would they?
If there’s anything I’ve learned with this experience, it’s that the phrase “Now I’ve seen (read, heard) it all” will quickly be proven wrong. What ultimately becomes of the situation between these women and Cosby remains to be seen. Regardless, it won’t be something that will surprise me.
Category Archives: Book
An unexpected emotional ride
Have you ever been driving down a highway, listening to an old classic rock song and singing along with the lyrics that you heard over and over again when the song was popular in your youth and now seem permanently ingrained into your subconscious.
You’re driving down the road, singing along, and all of a sudden . . .
WHAM!!!
It’s not an oncoming car, or a deer materializing from nowhere to run out of the ditch.
It’s that lyric . . . just one line in a song. And it speaks to you in a way it’s never spoken before.
And then, the next thing you know, you’re a blubbering mess trying to keep it together, keep your eyes on the road, and you’re STILL singing that song. (You might also be a real masochist like I am and REPLAY the song after it’s done, just to make sure that was really you that had a sudden emotional breakdown. I did it THREE times.)
When I was growing up, one of the classic rock bands I enjoyed was Kansas. Like most everybody else during that time, I was quick to grab a copy of their “Leftoverture” album as the first single from the album, “Carry On My Wayward Son” was helping the band make a name for itself.
But THAT’S not the song that got me . . . it was the song that followed the hit single on the album, “The Wall.”
The album was actually released about six months after my attack, and yet it seems the song was written with my experience in mind.
I’ve listened to this song thousands of times over the years. In fact, I pretty much played the grooves off of Side A of that album. I loved “What’s On My Mind” and really got into “Miracles Out Of Nowhere” – a song title that, appropriately enough, describes where this sudden emotional outburst came from.
But it was the first lines of “The Wall” that had me in a sudden state of emotional upheaval:
“I’m woven in a fantasy, I can’t believe the things I see
The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall
And with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost
It rises now before me, a dark and silent barrier between
All I am and all that I would ever want to be
It’s just a travesty, towering, marking off the boundaries
My spirit would erase”
As I sang along to those lyrics, I suddenly felt as if I was singing about the walls that were forced upon me when I was sexually assaulted as a 9-year-old boy in small-town Nebraska in 1976.
I didn’t actively choose what happened to me, nor was there anything I could do to stop the attack. And yet, there is the unrelenting belief that there was something – anything – I could have done to stop it. And, because I couldn’t, I felt, for many years, that i grew up a shattered version of what I could have been, that wall of darkness standing in front of me.
That wall was erected the night I was attacked. It was a wall that stood between me and my childhood. It was a wall that made me feel unworthy and unattractive. It was a wall that kept me from feeling good about who I was and what I was capable of doing in my life.
There was so much good in my life, from personal and professional success to the network of friends and loved ones who always were there. And yet, I stood still, the wall preventing a move forward to what could very well have been something even bigger and better. It’s still there, but few have the courage to step over that wall and step forward to an amazing opportunity. It’s a sense of courage that, only now, I’m beginning to understand.
For many years, that wall that was built around me, stopping me from realizing the value that I have and the gifts that I have that can be shared with those who share in my experience as a survivor of sexual assault. I always told my daughter that she was “capable of great things” – but why couldn’t I take my own advice? What would it take to tear down that wall?
The last part of the lyric really speaks to where I’m at today:
“And though it’s always been with me
I must tear down the wall and let it be
All I am, and all that I was ever meant to be, in harmony
Shining true and smiling back at all who wait to cross
There is no loss”
In discussing the lyrics he wrote, founding member and guitarist Kerry Livgren said this in his book, “Seeds of Change”:
“Looking back, I regard the lyrics to “The Pinnacle” and “The Wall” as the best I have written. Somehow the wall was in me, and I did not have the power to remove this barrier to the depths of joy and harmony I so desperately sought.”
There IS opportunity and peace, joy and harmony on the other side of that wall that we, as survivors of sexual assault, can enjoy – if only we summon the courage to break down those walls that our experience has put up for us. With each sunrise, I’m seeing a new light and a new experience that I never saw as a VICTIM of sexual assault. The journey is a long one and there are walls we must face in order to reach that destination – but I can tell you that, without a doubt, the goal is worth the journey.
Talking about the real “madness”
For college basketball fans across the United States, the month of March is known as “March Madness.”
March is a special month for me as well . . . but for a far different reason.
On a warm spring evening in late March of 1976, my childhood and my sense of innocence was taken away behind the public swimming pool in the small town of Newman Grove, Nebraska. I was sexually assaulted by the teenage brother of a classmate who left me with one terrorizing thought — if I told anybody about what happened, he would hunt me down and kill me.
At the age of 9 years old, my life changed forever — all because of the madness brought forth by a sick, twisted excuse of a human being, one who had preyed on children before and continued to force himself on the less able-bodied until he finally found himself doing time in the Nebraska State Penitentiary before earning a permanent spot on the state’s Sex Offender Registry.
In the years since my attack, I’ve dealt with just about everything one could experience. The physical attack, the nightmares, the flashbacks, thoughts of suicide — my life is a literal day-to-day mixed bag of emotions. I’ve forgiven my attacker for the violent act he committed . . . but I’ve never been able to forget it.
My story is a story that is shared by more people than I care to count — in the 16 months since my book, “Call Me A Survivor” was published, I’ve had numerous people contact me, whether in person, via mail, e-mail or social media, and tell me their story. They were attacked by family members, a neighbor, a coach, a member of the clergy — people they thought they could trust. The physical wounds that are left behind may heal, but the emotional scars that are left behind will never go away. It will always be something that we, as survivors, will deal with on a daily basis until God calls us to our final resting place.
I was threatened with my own life if I stayed silent, but that wasn’t an option for me. When I ran screaming into the house, there was no hiding what had happened. Sadly, our justice system was ill-prepared, or maybe just completely unwilling, to deal with those who committed these acts of sexual violence against another human being. My perpetrator was a juvenile, and the probation he received was hardly a deterrent to his future sick acts against others. He developed quite a resume of violence before I finally helped put him in prison for a sexual assault he committed against a disadvantaged woman more than 20 years later.
It would be easy to wallow in self-pity and play the “poor me” card — but I’ve chosen a different route: I’m speaking out about my experience and encouraging others to do the same.
During the month of April, I’ve taken it upon myself to speak out during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I am going anywhere and everywhere that I can to bring my story to the world and raise awareness on a crime that is hurting our children at all ages, from our babies to our teenagers.
A Centers For Disease Control study has found that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. If you plugged those ratios into the current K-12 enrollment of every public and private school in my home state of Nebraska, that is more than 70,000 children — enough to fill Memorial Stadium at the University of Nebraska to more than two-thirds capacity.
My goal is to speak to as many people — not just in Nebraska, but anywhere and everywhere in the United States — about my experience and offer support and assistance to those who are living the hell that has been a part of my life for almost four decades. (NOTE: My calendar of speaking engagements is located on the right side of the page — scroll through the list of dates in April and stop by if you can make it to one of my engagements.)
This “madness” has got to stop — there are too many children in this country who are living this daily hell, and it’s time we make perpetrators aware of the fact that we are no longer going to be silent, and that we will tell someone, anyone and everyone about child sexual assault.
Inspired to action
I’ve been inspired into action.
When people ask why I would take a leave of absence from my job to speak out about sexual assault, that’s always been my first response.
I was sexually assaulted at the age of 9, and it’s an experience that continues to be a part of my existence on this earth. It’s something that will never NOT be a part of who I am, and this is something I’ve come to accept and use as the driving inspiration for what I’m about to do.
I’ve found that my communication of my experience to others has been a great benefit, both to myself as a sort of personal therapy and to others who have found inspiration and their own personal call to action in listening to my speech.
My first major speech in front of a group of people came last April during Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) activities at Wayne State College (check out the video of that speech here). My speech was a moving experience for a lot of people, including myself. It had confirmed a truth that it took a long time for me to understand, and I’m sure it opened the eyes of a number of young people in the audience who have struggled with it as well — we are not alone in this.
It’s become something of a tradition for me to hear from fellow survivors after my speech. I’ve had people come up to me immediately after a presentation and share their story with me. Others have waited and have contacted me, whether by e-mail or in face-to-face encounters, shared their experience and thanked me for having the courage to share my story. Knowing that my presentations have helped one person is all the inspiration I need to continue this work.
That’s why I’ve been inspired to action again, taking the risk of leaving my job for the entire month of April to speak out during SAAM anywhere and everywhere. We have a serious problem in this country when 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys have to endure the terror of this crime as a part of their lives. It’s a situation no child should ever have to live with, and I feel it’s worth the time and effort for me to share my story and encourage those who have been through this experience to speak out and Tell (Some/Any/Every) One.
This is a crime that relies on the silence of the victim in order for the perpetrator to be successful. When it comes to this crime, sex is all about power, and the perpetrator uses that power to keep his/her victims from spilling the beans. My perpetrator threatened my life if I told anybody – but I told anyway. My parents knew there was a problem and took action, and our family was essentially ostracized by the community for damaging the life of a local teenage boy (never mind the damage that he left on my physical and emotional well-being, scars that remain almost 40 years later). Getting fellow survivors to understand that the perpetrator wins ONLY through that intimidation of silence is why I continue to speak out about my own experience.
My inspiration to create a month-long speaking tour takes a lot of effort. I’ve spent almost every free moment I’ve had in the last several weeks contacting school districts, libraries, domestic violence organizations and child advocacy support groups to line up speaking engagements. I’m also asking for the support of anyone and everyone who can provide financial assistance that will help me with book printing, video production and travel costs through a funding project on Kickstarter. If you can help out in any way financially, it would be greatly appreciated.
We are not alone as survivors of sexual assault, and we need to tell our story to the world. The inspiration for this project comes from that simple truth, and I intend to spend the month of April sharing my message and inspiring others to their own personal action. I want to be the spark that fans the flames for survivors to open up, share their experiences and help them understand they are not victims – they are survivors.
Erin Merryn’s new book is outstanding
As I was preparing for my first interviews after publication of “Call Me A Survivor,” I ran across the name of a young lady from Illinois – Erin Merryn.
Her name came up in a Google search with a link that talked about “Erin’s Law,” an effort she began to put sexual abuse education and prevention in every public school in America.
To say the young lady is on a crusade would be like saying water is wet – in a short time she has seen her law passed in nine states (including Arkansas, which ran it through in a remarkable three weeks from first day of testimony to the governor’s signature) and has 19 more states looking at it during their respective 2014 legislative sessions (including my home state of Nebraska, which has a modified version of it, LB143, that makes it optional for school districts – I’ll be talking to state senators about upgrading it to the full version).
I downloaded her second book, “Living For Today” on my Kindle and found myself unable to put it down. I found myself looking back on some of my experiences as a survivor of sexual assault and feeling a lot of the pain she expressed in her writing. We have corresponded back and forth a few times on e-mail about getting Erin’s Law passed here in Nebraska, and I am happy to say that I’ve just finished reading her third book, “An Unimaginable Act” that she published earlier this month.
Merryn details not only her experiences as a survivor, but some of the health issues – physical, mental and emotional – that she has dealt with in her life. She also talks extensively about the work she has done to get Erin’s Law passed in her home state, as well as in other states such as Michigan and Arkansas, and her special moment last year when she was named one of Glamour magazine’s Women of the Year for 2012.
Merryn has had to overcome quite a bit. Not only her efforts to battle through the pain as a survivor of sexual assault, but overcoming those who doubted or didn’t believe in her. This is one self-determined young lady who refuses to take no for an answer when it’s something she truly believes in with all her heart. She is not the least bit afraid to talk about her experiences and to ask people in state governments across the country why we require schools to teach our kids about stranger danger and saying no to drugs, but we can’t educate them about safe and unsafe touch, safe and unsafe secrets or how to get away and tell today.
Erin Merryn is on a mission – and if your state doesn’t already have Erin’s Law in place, you need to call your state representatives and get them on board with it.
And, while you’re at it, get this book as well. “An Unimaginable Act” is an outstanding piece of work by an outstanding young lady. It’s a must read for anybody who is a survivor of sexual assault – or has one in their lives.
Don’t live in fear – be strong and Tell (Some, Any, Every) One
The great 19th century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
One year ago, my book, “Call Me A Survivor” was published. It is a personal account of my life as a survivor of sexual assault, and it was a project that I went into with an abundant amount of fear.
This wasn’t the first time that I had written about my experience – the first time I told anyone outside of my family and close circle of friends was when I wrote a letter to a district judge in Nebraska that helped put my perpetrator behind bars for an unrelated sexual assault he had committed 20 years after he attacked me. I had also written several personal columns in newspapers that I had worked for over the years, so writing about my experience wasn’t something I was afraid of doing.
There were, however, a lot of other things that scared me, things that could potentially impact or kill my hopes of writing this book:
– What if my facts regarding my case were wrong, which would damage my credibility to bring a personal account to the topic of child sexual assault?
– What if the people I interviewed didn’t want to talk about it? Remembering back that long is difficult in and of itself, but if the memories were too depressing or dark for them to deal with, they might not want to reflect back on that day.
– What if the book wasn’t well received? Would people even care about the life of a young boy who grew up with all of this negative energy that came from something that happened so long ago and still affected me almost 40 years later?
– There are many out there whose experience was more than a one-time occurrence, as mine was. Would people who had lived a life where they were abused repeatedly over the course of months and years, whether by one or more than one, be able to relate to my story? Would I be able to relate to theirs?
I faced all of these fears and, still, was able to summon the creative talent, energy, desire and will to write this book. And now that the book has been out, my focus has been on speaking publicly about child sexual assault, encouraging and supporting those who have been through the same experience, and work to help educate legislators and help pass stronger laws that educate the public and put those who commit this crime behind bars with stronger sentencing guidelines.
When we are attacked by our perpetrators, the fear and intimidation we face can also be countered by facing up to those fears and bringing our attackers to justice.
We are often told that nobody will believe us if we tell anyone about the crime our perpetrator has brought upon us. We are threatened with bodily harm, or financial distress, or a destruction of the family unit if we tell anyone about what has taken place.
Those fears are easily overcome, if you will just take action. That’s what the Tell (Some, Any, Every) One concept is all about – tell whoever you can, however many times it takes, until you bring your perpetrator to justice.
One of the first things my parents did after I was attacked – and remember, this is 1976 so this was some good thinking on their part – was to get me to a medical examiner. I was taken to my doctor’s office within minutes of the moment I ran screaming into the house, and I was checked out by my doctor and evidence was gathered that helped authorities make an arrest.
Today, most hospitals have what is known as a Sexual Assault Response Team, which includes medical and psychological personnel who can help deal with the medical issues and gather evidence that can be turned over to the authorities, which would help them in their investigation and eventual arrest and conviction of your perpetrator.
Perpetrators of sexual crimes, especially those who attack children, count on intimidation to hide their crimes and allow themselves to continue the attack, whether on the same individual or countless others. If those threats allow the fear of what might happen to keep us from bringing these evil creatures to justice, then the perpetrator wins. Only by overcoming that fear of the unknown to do the right thing and brings these individuals to their proper judgement will we be able to carry on and live the lives we deserve to live.
We have two choices as survivors of sexual assault – we can continue to live in fear, or we can face the fear and be stronger people because of it. I know which road I’ll travel on, and I pray that you will join me on that journey.
It’s time to let others know — we are not alone
One of the first things that I discovered, as I began to publicly talk about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, is that I’m not alone.
After publication of my first book, “Call Me A Survivor” last fall, I began to speak publicly about my experience. I went on radio shows, did TV interviews and spoke to social and support groups in and around my home town of Wayne, Neb.
Without fail, there would be a connection with someone who had been through something similar to what I experienced behind the swimming pool in Newman Grove, Neb., back in the spring of 1976. Somebody would come up and tell me about how a family member, a friend of the family or somebody they believed they could trust had violated them and left emotional and mental scars that they never thought they could heal from — and they would come and thank me for being brave enough to tell my story and give them the encouragement to come to terms with what they had experienced.
Of course, by the time I began to speak publicly, I knew that my experience was not unique. In fact, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys under the age of 18 in the United States have been sexually assaulted — and how many more in the adult community had to grow up with this horrible experience as a part of their lives? Thousands? Millions? It’s hard to say for sure.
This past April, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of about 100 students at Wayne State College during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I had been before small groups of people that I knew from other community events, but this would be the first time I’d be talking to a group of people I didn’t know (outside of the handful of family members and friends who attended).
I wasn’t sure what would happen when I was done — and was totally taken by an observation a friend of mine made after the program.
I had brought copies of my book along to try and sell, but when you’re playing to a room full of college students, you’re not going to do a lot in the way of sales because college students rarely have money and, if they do, they have more important things to spend it on than a book. (I was a college kid many moons ago, so I know I speak from experience on this . . . the only way I’d buy ANY reading material back then would be to use it as a cover-up for the bottle of alcohol I’d try to sneak into my dorm room.)
As the room cleared out, my family and friends were talking, and somebody asked me how many books I had sold. I knew it wasn’t much, but before I could answer, my friend stepped in and said, “Never mind how many books you sold — did you see how many kids walked out of here CRYING? You made a HUGE impact here tonight that went beyond how many books you sold.”
And he was right — I had a number of people come up to me in the days after that speech and tell me how important it was for them to hear my speech and know that they weren’t alone. And the fact that it was a GUY talking about being sexually assaulted was an even bigger deal — because guys aren’t supposed to be “victims” of sexual assault (although, undoubtedly, they are in far more frequent numbers than anyone wants to believe).
As I continued to speak to other groups, I realized that what I was doing is something that needs to be heard by more than just those people living within a 40-mile radius of me — this is a nationwide problem that needs as many voices out there speaking and advocating for something to be done to help those whose lives have been shattered by this horrible, unthinkable crime.
And so today — Sunday, Oct. 20, 2013 — just two weeks shy of the one-year anniversary of my book’s publication, I officially set out on my journey as a “professional” public speaker. I am speaking to the Thrivent Lutheran organization at their annual meeting — in my hometown, coincidentally — and will be speaking to a couple of schools in Nebraska this week and next (keep checking my schedule for updates). I am working on making contact with other schools, libraries and community groups to get the word out and get people thinking about what we can do to stop the sexual assault of children in the United States. (And if you’d like to get in touch with me about scheduling a date, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com and I will send information on to you.)
At the present time, I must juggle my speaking engagements with my present job as managing editor of The Wayne Herald, but my goal is to make public speaking and advocacy for those who are survivors of child sexual assault my life’s work on a full-time basis by my 50th birthday (May 17, 2016, if you’d like to mark that down on your calendar). It will take a good deal of time and effort, as well as an unshakable belief that this WILL happen, but it is something that I believe is more than worth the effort.
I believe it will happen, because I know that I’m not alone — and I will make sure those who have been through this experience know they aren’t, either.
A never-ending movie, and you control the script
If you’re like me, there are certain experiences in life that feel like they’re repeats of old movies you used to watch.
Being a survivor of child sexual assault is sometimes like a sick, twisted version of “Groundhog Day,” the BIll Murray classic where his character continues to experience the same day, over and over again, and tries to right the wrongs he committed the previous day.
No matter what level of abuse you have experienced, there are times when you feel like you’re re-living the experience. Something as simple as a smell or a scene along a county road can trigger flashbacks of what you experienced in your youth. You aren’t experiencing the physical attack, but the memories of that experience jump up and take over, maybe for a moment or in the form of a nightmare that violently shakes you from a deep sleep.
There is rarely ever a set time for such a flashback to appear. It’s one of the many wonders of the human brain in how it is able to attach certain experiences to senses that we generally take for granted. Something as simple as a Nebraska corn field can be a thing of beauty to one person, and a horrible reminder of an attack to another.
The question I often get asked is, “When will these flashbacks stop?” It really depends on the person, particularly in how they handle their experience in the years going forward, but I don’t think we ever really completely get over the experience.
My attack happened 37 years ago this past spring, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I’ve visited the small Nebraska town where the attack happened on numerous occasions in the years since. I actually spoke at their school’s athletic banquet one year (an impromptu speech that came about when the scheduled speaker, who I was to interview for the local paper, couldn’t make it due to a weather-related flight cancellation), played golf on their golf course for a feature series and have driven back to the “scene of the crime” as part of my research for my book “Call Me A Survivor” to allow myself an opportunity to relive the experience and remember what I was feeling and thinking on that fateful day.
I’ve decided that, if I’m going to live with this experience for the rest of my life, I’m going to do something proactive that will not only help me, but help others to deal with the experiences in their lives that have led them to be survivors of sexual assault. I’ve talked with counselors and therapists, consulted with close friends and made every effort I can to keep my experience out in the open, where I can talk about it and handle those flashback situations in a quick and effective manner.
Just this past week, I experienced such a flashback while watching a classic rock program on the VH1 Classic cable channel. Growing up in the 70’s and early 80’s, I was blessed to have had some of the best rock and roll to listen to during those years. For some reason, a song from that era triggered a negative emotion in me that led me to begin replaying that spring evening behind the local swimming pool when I was assaulted. I caught myself and reminded myself that undoing what has already been done is impossible, and that I should let that negative emotion go.
Like many self-help experts have told us: you are what you think…energy flows where attention goes…what we think about, comes about. Instead of focusing what has already happened, I turned my attention to what I intend to happen as I speak publicly about my experience to schools, churches, organizations and government officials, now and in the future.
Like it or not, if you are a survivor of child sexual assault, you will never NOT be a survivor of child sexual assault ever again. In some ways, it’s like being an addict . . . you may overcome the addiction, but you will always be an addict. The same holds true for those of us who are CSA survivors. We will ALWAYS have this experience as a part of our lives — the question is, how are we going to address it and deal with it during those moments in time when it inevitably rears its ugly head? It’s one never-ending movie where the script is always up to us to write, and I hope you choose whatever way that is most comfortable for you and will move you toward a positive result in your life.
E-mail Michael Carnes at mike@mikeycproductions.com.