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Going “all in” against your flashbacks is a winning hand

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One of my favorite pastimes is playing poker — and I had to put my best poker face on the other night when an unexpected flashback snuck up on me.

As survivors of sexual assault, we try very hard to forget about some of the particularly dark experiences we have gone through in our lives. And try as we might, those experiences are always with us and are ready to sneak up on us and offer a reminder of what happened and how it affected us.

The Rape Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) defines a flashback this way:

“A flashback is when memories of a past trauma feel as if they are taking place in the current moment. That means it’s possible to feel like the experience of sexual violence is happening all over again. During a flashback it can be difficult to connect with reality. It may even feel like the perpetrator is physically present.
Flashbacks may seem random at first. They can be triggered by fairly ordinary experiences connected with the senses, like the smell of someone’s odor or a particular tone of voice. It’s a normal response to this kind of trauma, and there are steps you can take to help manage the stress of a flashback.”

In my home town of Wayne, Nebraska, the local Eagles Club hosts a poker league run through a national organization. It’s free to play and there is a core group of about 12-16 people who show up every Wednesday night to play poker, talk about local events and catch up on each other’s lives and families.

I had been sexually assaulted in Newman Grove, Neb., a small town of about 800 people located a little more than an hour southwest of Wayne. The experience took place just a few weeks short of my 10th birthday, an event that, even 42 years later, still pops up now and again — like last week.

I had mentioned that I lived in Newman Grove at one time as we were talking about towns in the area, and a lady at the table said SHE had lived there as well. She graduated from high school around the time our family had lived there and asked me if I remembered any names from when we had lived in the community.

The first one that popped up was the name of my attacker — then a troubled teenage loser, today a convicted sex offender who is on the Nebraska Sex Offender Registry for the rest of his life, thanks to an event that, unexpectedly, came up in conversation with my poker friend.

She had graduated from the local high school a year after my parents moved us out of town to another community. As we were talking about some of the places in the community like the golf course, the local nursing home and the school, she had mentioned that a friend of hers — who was not mentally sound — had been sexually assaulted by my attacker.

As we talked, it became apparent that there was a connection between myself and her friend — one that sent me into flashback that required my best poker face to keep from coming unglued over my chip stack.

Twenty years ago, I had been working as a sports writer at the Norfolk Daily News. This was during a time when the move from traditional cut-and-paste page design to digital page layout with software like Quark Express or Adobe Pagemaker (later Adobe Indesign) was how we put the newspaper together.

Some of our pages were digital, while others were still laid out the “old fashioned” way, so one afternoon as I was waiting for the image processor to spit out the negative of my page, I happened to glance at a paste-up page that contained the “public record” section of the newspaper — court cases, divorces, marriage licenses, arraignments — and started scanning the names to see if there was anybody who I might know.

As it turns out — I did: my attacker had been arraigned on charges of sexual assault of a vulnerable adult.

Twenty years later, my poker friend mentioned this friend of hers and the connection, and it all came together . . . this friend of hers was attacked by my attacker some 20 years later, and could have faced a then-maximum sentence of five years.

After talking with the county attorney, it didn’t sound like he would face anywhere near that length of a stay in the state penitentiary. I asked if there was anything I could do to help him get the maximum penalty, and he had a suggestion — write the judge a letter, explain my connection to the case and tell my story.

In a three-page letter to the judge, I explained why I had an interest in this case and proceeded to tell him how the defendant had sexually assaulted me and threatened to kill me if I ever told anybody about it. The nightmares I had and the impact it had on my life was something I didn’t want somebody else to have to go through.

Amazingly, that letter helped our attacker get EXACTLY the maximum sentence allowed by law at the time, along with a lifetime membership on the state’s Sex Offender Registry (here is his entry, in case you’re wondering). It was justice delayed, in my case anyway, but the friend of my poker friend and I both got it and he wound up with a much longer stay at the Nebraska State Penitentiary than he no doubt was counting on.

I was able to reset myself as my friend and I talked about my experience, and thankfully my ability to put on a good poker face really minimized the potential chaos that might have happened had I not recognized what I was feeling right away.

You may not play poker, but you can minimize the impact of a flashback by doing these four things:
1. Tell yourself that you’re having a flashback — Remember that the actual event is in the past and you are a survivor of it. It’s over, you’re still here. Everything is OK.
2. Use your senses to return to the present — What do you see, smell, hear, taste or feel around you right now? I touched the felt of the poker table, shuffled my poker chips, talked to the other players at the table, took a sip of Mountain Dew and kept reminding myself where I was and what I was doing, using my five senses.
3. Breeeeeeeathe — take some slow, deep breaths to calm yourself down. A panic attack or a flashback can cause the body to act abnormally, so make sure you’re taking some good, deep breaths to get more oxygen in your body and help calm you and relieve the stress of the flashback.
4. Feel safe and BE safe — For me, staying in the room and trying to distract myself by talking with the other players helped me out. Maybe you just need to go home, sit quietly or meditate, read a book . . . find something to help you feel safe and take your mind off what caused the flashback to begin with. Remember — what happened has happened. It is over. You’re OK.

Flashbacks can be triggered by almost anything, so the sooner you figure out what your triggers are, the easier it will be to manage your emotions and ride through — or even around — those trigger moments and minimize the number and severity of flashbacks you have.

If you are seeing a mental health professional, talk with them about your experience and ask for their help. There are plenty of tools available to help you — to borrow a poker phrase — go “all in” and get through a flashback successfully. You can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) chat with RAINN online at online.rainn.org.

Featured, Speaking Out

Time Magazine’s Person of the Year brings voice to sexual assault survivors

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In a crazy year when they very easily could have honored a loudmouthed world leader, a communist lunatic or an unpatriotic out-of-work football player, Time Magazine instead chose to honor not just an individual but a deserving group of brave people who are dragging an unspeakable crime out of the darkness and giving the abusive power structure in this country a long-overdue kick in the teeth.

While the faces and stories of such notable celebrities as Ashley Judd, Megyn Kelly, Taylor Swift and Selma Blair are included in their Person of the Year feature, they are nowhere near alone in their efforts to share their stories as survivors of sexual assault and harassment. Their voices also speak for the thousands of women AND men who have subjected to this abuse for far too long and have helped many realize that they CAN tell their stories and bring their perpetrators’ secrets out of the darkness in full view of the public and the authorities.

I first told my story as a survivor of sexual assault as a young newspaper columnist and have shared the story numerous times in print, including a 2012 book “Call Me A Survivor” that was inspired by the events surrounding the Jerry Sandusky controversy at Penn State University. I have shared my story, and continue to do so, at public speaking events when the opportunity presents itself, so I have a pretty good understanding what kind of courage it takes for these people documented in the Time story are dealing with. Our experiences may be different, but we share the same desire to tell our story and make sure those who commit these crimes won’t get away with it.

Sexual assault and sexual harassment is a crime that knows no boundaries — gender, race, economic or social — and happens far more frequently than we may realize. The crime happens approximately every 98 seconds here in the United States, and people of both genders are on either end of the situation. Most assume that perpetrators are male and their targets are female, but there are also numerous accounts of female perps and male targets, as well as same-sex and LBGT perpetrators and targets.

Sexual assault is an even bigger problem with our youth. A Centers for Disease Control study determined that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys reported that they were sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday. If you were to apply those ratios to the current K-12 enrollment of every public and private school in the state of Nebraska, you would be able to fill up more than 80 percent of Memorial Stadium. Throw in the UNREPORTED cases — which various studies indicate as many as 3 in 10 kids experience — and you’re looking at nearly half of the entire student body in the state.

And while the Time article focused primarily on sexual violence in Hollywood, the government and the workplace, the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of survivors of sexual assault KNOW their perpetrators. Parents assault their children or stepchildren, school teachers attack their students, and then there is the Catholic Church and its long, dubious history of not only allowing so-called “men of God” to abuse kids in their church, but then shuffle them off to other parishes when their crimes are discovered, only to see them repeat their retched behavior at the next stop.

Many who have not experienced this crime will question the actions of those who have spoken out. For some, the timing and the target of their accusations seem dubious considering the current mess our two-party political machine has become. Why didn’t these accusations become public when they happened, whether it was last week or 30-40 years ago?

For people like Ashley Judd, Taylor Swift and others to speak out and bring their perpetrators’ crimes out in public took an unthinkable level of bravery that those who question their motives can begin to comprehend. People who commit this crime do so from a position of power and influence that, in many cases, is the one thing that keeps survivors from coming out and telling their stories. Perpetrators like Harvey Weinstein, Al Franken, and others count on that power and influence to not only silence the ones they’ve already attacked, but those they WILL attack in the future.

Time Magazine has gone above and beyond the call of duty to honor those who have exhibited a unique flavor of bravery by honoring “The Silence Breakers” with the Person of the Year Award for 2017. They have helped legitimize the voice that we, as sexual assault survivors, have longed to be able to use to better the world we live in. I pray that those who have yet to feel comfortable enough to tell their stories will find comfort and inspiration in Time’s portrayal and that more can escape that sense of fear and intimidation to not only tell THEIR stories, but to make sure those who violated their lives are brought to judgement.

Featured, Speaking Out

A stadium full of survivors

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and I’d like to ask you to follow me on a little journey.
Imagine, if you will, going to a football game at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Neb., home of the University of Nebraska football team.
This stadium has been sold out since 1962 – more than 330 consecutive games where a capacity crowd has watched the Huskers play football every fall Saturday afternoon. There never an empty seat on game day – people flock from all parts of the state (and the globe) to witness Husker football every season.
The tailgating starts early – people are grilling food, enjoying cold beverages of all types, throwing Nerf footballs around and enjoying the social time together, talking with people from all across the state and just enjoying a crisp, sunny fall afternoon on the plains of Nebraska. It’s a great day to be a Husker fan, and everybody is enjoying themselves as they await kickoff.
Now imagine this – the Huskers are playing the biggest game ever in the history of the program. A national championship rides on the outcome of this game. And yet, for all that is riding on the game, only 78.7 percent of the stadium is occupied. Based on a stated seating capacity estimate of 92,000, the attendance for that game would be 72,440 fans.
Now let’s throw this into the mix – let’s say that the only fans allowed into the game are children under the age of 18. No big-money donors, no alumni, no university students – only kids going to school in Nebraska who are under the age of 18.
And, just to really get specific to the point – let’s say the only you can get into the game is if you live in Nebraska, are under the age of 18 and have been sexually assaulted. It’s hard to imagine that, with all of those limitations, you’d have THAT MANY people in the stands for the big game, isn’t it?
And yet, based on a Centers For Disease Control study that found 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday, that’s EXACTLY how many kids would be able to attend the big game, based on the 2014-15 enrollment numbers provided by the Nebraska Department of Education and the corresponding CDC ratios mentioned previously.
Based on the CDC ratios, more than 30,000 boys and more than 42,000 girls in this state have experienced the horror of sexual assault. I can say that being a survivor of sexual assault is a horror, because I’ve experienced it and know what it’s like. I know how it feels to be violated in such a way at such a young age, and I know the terror and the trauma that becomes a life-long existence because of that experience.
More than 20 percent of our school-age children in this state are survivors of sexual abuse. That’s 1 in 5 kids – a number that SHOULD scare the hell out of you, because these children grow up into adult survivors of sexual abuse, and many of them carry these burdens with them throughout their lives.
I can quote so many numbers about the increased likelihood of everything from drug use to suicide that accompanies those who have been sexually abused in their young lives. I’ve had my own struggles with drug use, depression, suicide attempts, and I can trace every one of those experiences to a spring afternoon in March of 1976 when I was attacked by the older brother of a classmate behind the swimming pool in the small town of Newman Grove, Neb.
There are a number of organizations in Nebraska who can help those who have been victimized by sexual assault, whether it happened to you as a child or as an adult. In my home town of Wayne, Haven House is a great resource for those who have been victims of sexual assault or domestic violence. They have wonderful people whose mission is to serve those and help survivors get what they need to deal with the crimes that have been perpetrated against them. These are non-profit organizations that fill an important role in the effort to combat sexual assault.
In this day and age, we know so much more about the effects that can be experienced by those who have been sexually assaulted. At the same time, the crime has expanded and our children are susceptible to these attacks in more ways than could have been conceived back when I was attacked 40 years ago. And those numbers mentioned above relate ONLY to those who report the attack. When you think about the fact that only 3 in 10 child sexual assault cases are actually reported and acted upon, the actual number of children in this state who have been sexually assaulted would, most likely, more than fill up Memorial Stadium.
If you’ve been sexually assaulted and feel like you’re the only one to have experienced this, know that you’re not alone. There are those, like you and me, who have been through this hell and know that there’s nothing wrong with you. This is NOT your fault. Talk with someone about the experience. Report the crime to the authorities if it’s something that has happened recently. Do not go through the rest of your life hiding in fear, dreading your existence or feeling like you are unworthy because of what happened to you. It’s time for we, as survivors of sexual assault, to claim victory over this experience and tell the world that we will not be kept down by our perpetrators and what they have done to us physically.

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Making Erin’s Law a nationwide effort

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If you’re reading this blog, chances are good that either you are a survivor of child sexual assault or you know someone who is.
It is not something that is new to the world — children have been sexually assaulted by family, friends, neighbors, etc., for as long as human life has existed. Children are easy to manipulate and easy to abuse, and those in positions of power (in relation to those children) have been doing it for far too long.
Let’s make 2015 the year where children fight back and stop this horrible, violent attack on the youth of our world.
One young woman who has already made this her lifelong quest is Erin Merryn. Her tireless effort to make “Erin’s Law” the law of the land throughout the United States has already achieved recognition and she is picking up supporters in states where the law currently does not exist, and I have been involved in efforts to make the law happen in my home state of Nebraska.
Quoting from the Erin’s Law website, here is what Erin’s Law is all about:
Erin’s Law is named after childhood sexual assault survivor, author, speaker and activist Erin Merryn, who is the founder and President of Erin’s Law, which is registered with the State of Illinois and the IRS as a 501 (c)(4) non-profit social welfare organization.
After Erin introduced the legislation in her home state of Illinois, the bill  was named Erin’s Law after her by legislators and it has caught on nationwide.
“Erin’s Law” requires that all public schools in each state that passes it implement a prevention-oriented child sexual abuse program which teaches:
— Students in grades preK – 5th grade, age-appropriate techniques to recognize child sexual abuse and tell a trusted adult
— School personnel all about child sexual abuse
— Parents & guardians the warning signs of child sexual abuse, plus needed assistance, referral or resource information to support sexually abused children and their families.
More than half of the states in the U.S. have either passed Erin’s Law or have it under consideration in their respective legislatures. Her home state of Illinois was the first to pass the law in February of 2011, and the states of New Mexico, Utah, Tennessee, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Louisiana, South Carolina and Vermont passed the law in 2014.
Here in Nebraska, a modified version of Erin’s Law was introduced by State Sen. Dave Bloomfield. The difference between LB143 and Erin’s Law is that the Department of Education would be required to draw up a template for a child sexual abuse policy that school districts in the state would have the “option” of incorporating into their schools. Obviously, this is not enough, and Bloomfield has told me on numerous occasions that any attempt to change LB143 to make the policy mandatory would be grounds for him to pull the bill, as he feels — erroneously, I might add — that the requirement would be an unfunded mandate, which he is opposed to.
Sen. Bloomfield’s support of his own legislation is, at best, tepid. He had a chance, during the 2014 session of the Nebraska Legislature, to make the bill his priority bill and open the door for school districts to introduce child sexual abuse policies in their school. Instead, he chose a bill that would give motorcycle riders the option of riding without a helmet (motorcycle riders are required to wear helmets in Nebraska). When asked how he could justify this decision, he told me that he had 94,000 motorcyclists in the state who, he felt, should have the freedom to choose whether or not they wanted to risk their lives by riding without a helmet. How this trumps more than 300,000 children under the age of 18 in the state to have the tools to keep themselves safe from sexual abuses, to this day, defies logical thought.
One of my personal goals for 2015 is to overcome this close-minded “representation” within Nebraska’s governing system and get THE version of Erin’s Law passed. With a new governor and a number of new state senators on board, the opportunity to help the children of Nebraska couldn’t be better.
I would encourage you to check out the Erin’s Law website at www.erinslaw.org and get involved in the effort to make Merryn’s law the law of the land in all 50 states. More than 20 are already on board — let’s make a nationwide effort to make every state an “Erin’s Law” state.

About, Book, Featured, Speaking Out

Nothing is surprising anymore

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Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to being a survivor of sexual assault.
Since publishing my book “Call Me A Survivor” two years ago, I’ve been out speaking publicly about my experience. I’ve told my story, over and over, to people of all ages, races, genders, shapes and sizes. I’ve spoken to thousands of school-age students and adults about what I went through.
After one of my first speeches, a young lady came up to me with tears in her eyes, hugged me, and thanked me for telling my story. She didn’t have to tell me that we had a shared experience as survivors of sexual assault, but it was clear to me that what I had said about my own experience had made her think about her own experience.
That’s part of the reason why I talk about my own experience in front of people – I know there are countless men and women, young and old, who have been through this experience and have had to live with it for however many years. I was somewhat fortunate in that my perpetrator was brought to justice (his didn’t come as a result of my case, but I was able to get some sense of closure many years later – details are in my book). Many of the people who experience sexual assault are intimidated or otherwise forced into a vow of silence, allowing the criminal to walk away from the crime without punishment.
The hardest part for a sexual assault survivor is bringing their perpetrator to justice. Those who commit these crimes will use any and every possible act of intimidation to silence their victims. Threats of violence (if not the actual act), legal maneuverings, withholding of opportunities, bribes of money or gifts – a perpetrator will play any and every card in the deck to keep their victims silent. And the higher they are in society, the easier it is for them to get away with it.
More and more these days, survivors are coming out and speaking about what has happened to them, and it seems to get more play in the mainstream media when the crime involves somebody who is famous or well-known to the majority of the population. These crimes, more often than not, challenge our way of thinking, particularly if the alleged perpetrator is somebody well-known in our society.
Recently, stories have come out regarding legendary comedian, TV personality and Jell-O pudding pitchman Bill Cosby. I don’t have to tell you what he’s done over the course of his career – if you’ve lived in America more than 30 minutes, you know about everything from the “Fat Albert” cartoons he authored on Saturday mornings to “The Cosby Show,” one of the all-time great situation comedies in American TV history.
His comedy albums in the 60’s and 70’s were pure comic genius. I’ve had the opportunity to see his shows on TV and attended one live a few years ago, and his unique perspective on everything from raising children to being married have always made me laugh hysterically.
When these stories first came out, it was hard for me to believe, as I’m sure it was for anybody who has seen the guy over the last 50 years. He comes off as pleasant, friendly, intelligent – not the kind of guy who would sexually assault women.
A story posted on the Washington Post’s website, though, paints quite a different picture of the real-life man from the one we’ve seen on TV and on stage – numerous accounts of women who were drugged and sexually assaulted by a man who held considerable influence in American entertainment and society, and it’s taken these survivors 30-40 years or more to come forth and tell their stories.
Of course, Cosby has not been arrested or charged with any crimes relating to these stories, and attorneys for the family have gone out of their way to discredit the individuals who claim they were attacked by Cosby. His attorneys are spending a lot of time and effort trying to get us to believe that these crimes never happened and that these women are opportunistic individuals who are trying to benefit financially at the expense of the integrity of a comedy legend.
As much as I have enjoyed Cosby’s work over the years, though, I have to wonder if there isn’t something to these stories these women have come out with. One person telling a story is one thing – but when it’s multiple individuals telling very similar stories in how they were assaulted, it’s hard to just dismiss it, regardless of Cosby’s standing in American entertainment history.
Also, consider that a number of major corporations who have been, or were planning on, doing business with Cosby – people like the NBC television network, Netflix and others – are suddenly pulling the plug on these relationships with the comedian. These corporations wouldn’t be so quick to sever ties unless there was some fire fueling the smoke, would they?
If there’s anything I’ve learned with this experience, it’s that the phrase “Now I’ve seen (read, heard) it all” will quickly be proven wrong. What ultimately becomes of the situation between these women and Cosby remains to be seen. Regardless, it won’t be something that will surprise me.

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It’s just a dream

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It’s been almost 40 years, and still they come.

They don’t happen near as frequent. These days, they maybe come a couple of times a year, just a little reminder from the deepest recesses in my vast memory bank that it’s still out there.

When they DO come up – wow, does it shock the system.

I was your typical kid growing up in the 70’s. I had the occasional nightmare, as all kids do. It caused me to jump out of my bed and make my way in the darkness to mom and dad’s bed, where there was the known security of my parents to keep the monsters in my mind at bay.

That all changed in the spring of 1976 – when I was sexually assaulted.

Those silly little nightmares about monsters and scary people chasing me in my dreams became full-on night terrors. I dreadedgoing to sleep at night. I’d beg to stay up and watch The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, and even The Midnight Special on Friday nights . . . anything to avoid going to bed and battling the visions that were going to come, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

Even the act of getting ready for bed was an exercise in insanity. Our bedrooms were upstairs, but I could recall my attacker’s last words before he let me go: “If you tell anybody, I’ll hunt you down and kill you.”

I could picture him bringing a ladder that was tall enough for him to gain access to my room on the second floor. One window looked out to our spacious yard. Another was positioned over the back part of the house, where an addition had been built. The roof to the addition was low enough, I reasoned, that my attacker could climb up there and break through the other window in my room.

Because of that possibility, it became a nightly ritual for my parents to have to actually inspect my room before I could feel comfortable enough to sleep in it. They had to check the closet. They had to look under the bed. Sometimes, they’d have to look out the window to make sure nobody was there. Only when those inspections were completed to my satisfaction, could I finally feel a sense of security that I wasn’t going to be attacked in my own room.

The problem was – nobody could secure what would go on in my mind once sleep came. There was no way anybody could stop me from being attacked from the inside.

And the attacks would come – almost on a nightly basis. Sometimes, I’d wake up from a nightmare, get up to get a drink of water and shake off that memory, then fall back asleep and experience another one. I wet the bed so often that my parents had to put a plastic cover over the mattress, saving them the frustration of having to try and clean a urine-stained mattress over and over again.

It was always tough for me in those early years, because the attack happened in a small town of less than 1,000 people, and my attacker was the older brother of a classmate. I’d get a daily reminder of what happened to me every time I walked into school. I doubled my pleasure (sarcasm alert) during the second semester of sixth grade when my attacker was assigned as a teacher’s aide for my PE class. Talk about having to LIVE your nightmare – when I walked out of school the first day of the semester, shaking and in tears, my mother wanted to know what was wrong. When I told her my attacker was now my teacher’s aide, it unleashed a fury that I’d never seen out of my mom.

We moved from that town after I finished sixth grade, but I wasn’t able to leave the nightmares behind. They followed me to our new home, and it took a while for me to become comfortable with having a bedroom in the basement. While my parents’ bedroom was directly above me, there was a window in my room looking up to the outside, and I had many a nightmare involving my attacker tracking us down and coming through that window. I’d have to inspect my closet almost every night before I went to bed, and I looked under my bed more times than I care to count, thankful each time to see nothing more than the red carpet that my parents put in my room.

Moving away to college, the nightmares seemed to subside. I started drinking and experimenting with drugs around that time, and I guess I’m not sure that they ever happened on the nights when I was loaded on some intoxicant. I do remember, though, that the nightmares would still pop up – sometimes they even involved other people in my life. Family members, friends, other adult figures – they would all make appearances in a variety of roles, from being an onlooker to actually being the one chasing me.

These days, the visions and faces seem more like a blur. I’m not sure if it’s because the action is happening so fast, or time is fading some of those visions, or if maybe the memory of the experience is losing its punch in the process of experiencing these nightmares. This most recent nightmare found me back in that place – on an old, rickety bridge with chipping, faded white paint located behind the local swimming pool, face down with my pants at my ankles, with a garbled, unintelligible sound serving as my attacker’s voice. I remember the colors of that evening’s setting sun piercing through the trees, which were just starting to show their spring buds on branches that reached out, as if they were hiding the rest of the world from the horrible crime that was taking place on that bridge.

I’m not sure what I was more frustrated with when I woke up from this latest nightmare – the fact that it happened, or that it was 2:30 in the morning when I was awakened and couldn’t fall back to sleep (this blog is being written at 4:45 a.m., more than two hours after the nightmare). I’m grateful that I don’t have to experience these nightmares any more often than I do, and I’m hopeful that the day will come when this particular nightmare never comes again.

It will never undo the fact that I was sexually assaulted – but I’m looking forward to the day that I won’t have to re-live the experience in my dreams again.

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Winning the battle against PTSD

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Comedian Adam Ferrara has a funny bit about friends who aren’t doctors, but also aren’t shy about offering medical device. And I can’t help thinking about this as I write the following:
I’m not a doctor, but . . .
One of the things survivors of sexual assault must deal with, one way or another, are some of the symptoms that are consistent with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as PTSD.
The Mayo Clinic’s website defines PTSD as a mental health condition that is set into motion by a terrifying event, such as a sexual assault. Flashbacks are common, as are nightmares and severe anxiety.
For some people, the aftermath of the experience includes some of these experiences, but survivors adjust and are able to cope with it. For others, though, the problems that come from the nightmares and the flashbacks say with them for a long time and can be a real detriment to living the kind of healthy and happy life we all deserve to live.
The memory of what happened can come back at any time, and its manifestation can be triggered by even the most unlikely of situations.
I was attacked in the spring of 1976 and had numerous nightmares and flashbacks about the experience. They lessened in frequency and severity over time, but one situation that happened more than 20 years later triggered a panic attack that actually helped me achieve a certain degree of justice for what happened to me two decades earlier.
In the summer of 1998, I was working as a sports writer for the Norfolk Daily News in Norfolk, Neb. As I was finishing up a page that I had laid out for that day’s paper, I was looking at another page that had the county court record with information on court cases, traffic infractions, marriages and other public information from the courthouse that is regularly published in newspapers.
I had no real reason to look at the page, other than that it was there on the paste-up board. I started scanning to the names, laughing at myself as I wondered if there would be somebody I knew in the criminal court section. Not being a guy that regularly hung out with the area’s criminal element, the thought that somebody I knew might be on the list elicited a laugh.
And then . . . I saw his name and the crime he was being charged with – first-degree sexual assault.
The flashback that came suddenly made me tremble. I could feel myself shaking, my eyes welling up with tears. I quickly composed myself, excused myself from work for the day and drove to the county courthouse to read up on the case.
I found that my attacker had sexually assaulted a vulnerable adult on a county road. He had a rather dubious history in the court system, everything from sexual assault to impersonating a police officer.
Working with the county attorney, I wrote a letter to the district judge and explained my connection to the attacker. For the first time, I told my story to someone outside of my personal circle of friends and family. The letter made a huge impact – the county attorney said the district judge had traditionally given 1-2 year sentences for this crime, but he wound up throwing the book at this individual – he got five years in prison (the maximum sentence in Nebraska at that time) and had to register as a lifetime member of the state’s Sex Offender Registry.
Fortunately, the flashback that I had at that moment ultimately had a positive outcome. However, there are many other symptoms that survivors of sexual assault deal with that could be linked to PTSD.
Symptoms can include:
– upsetting nightmares about the event
– feeling emotionally numb
– feelings of hopelessness
– discontinuing activities you once enjoyed
– trouble concentrating or remembering things
– difficulty maintaining close friendships or relationships
– uncontrollable irritability or anger
– overwhelming guilt or shame
– self-destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, sexual activity)
– being easily frightened
– hearing or seeing things that don’t exist
PTSD is also difficult for those who are in the survivor’s inner circle. They want to help, but may not have a point of reference in their personal history to use in an effort to help the survivor. It’s common for us to want to say something like “I know how you feel” to help ease the tension. However, if you haven’t been through the experience yourself, you really have no idea HOW or WHAT a survivor is feeling or experiencing.
Fortunately, there are some things you CAN do to help a survivor who might be experiencing some of the symptoms of PTSD:
– Listen, but don’t force the issue. Help the survivor understand that you are there if they need a shoulder to lean on, but don’t insist that they unload everything. Let it happen on THEIR schedule, and be ready and willing to receive the information when they are ready to give it to you.
– Find a place and time to chat. When they are ready, make sure you can sit down and chat without any outside distractions. Whether it’s the local coffee shop or around the dining room table at home, sit down and REALLY listen. If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification. And make sure the phrase “I know just how you feel” is NEVER used . . . unless, of course, you have personally experienced a similar situation in your life.
– Take five. If things are getting a little too stressful, don’t be afraid to take a time out. Everything doesn’t have to come out all at once, and if either of you are feeling a little too intense about things, step back for a minute and pick up the conversation at a later time. Make sure you follow through on it, though . . . don’t leave your friend or loved one hanging out there feeling like they don’t have someone to talk to.
– Don’t minimize the threat of suicide. Sometimes, a survivor feels they have no choice left but to take their own life. Be cool about it, but don’t let the threat go without taking whatever steps are needed to keep the survivor safe and alive. If there is imminent danger of a suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Make sure everything from medications, sharp objects or firearms are not in a location that is easily accessible. Stay with that individual until help arrives.
But don’t take my word for it (remember, I’m not a doctor). The Mayo Clinic has some wonderful information about PTSD available on their website, and I would encourage you to read through their information and, if you are suffering from some of the symptoms listed, to talk with your healthcare provider and get the help you need to win the battle.

About, Featured, Speaking Out

You’re not the one to blame

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Why didn’t you . . .
Why couldn’t you . . .
How could you . . .
These are questions that survivors of sexual assault hear time and time again. They hear it from family members, friends, investigating officers – there are countless times when this question is asked in the days after a sexual assault.
The one person who asks those questions most often, though, is the survivor.
It’s been 38 years since my attack, and for the vast majority of those years I have replayed the moment in my mind with completely different scenarios and outcomes.
I’m sure, if somebody were to invent a contraption that would allow us to turn back time and undo that which was done, we’d jump at the opportunity to go back to that moment in our lives and replay the situation using the knowledge we have gained and the experiences we have been through SINCE that fateful day.
But here’s the thing – we can’t. There’s no way that we can spin the clock in reverse, put the dates back on the calendar that have fallen away, and go back to that moment in time when we were assaulted and change the outcome.
Many times, the questions are asked as if we, as survivors, are somehow to blame for what happened to us. Is there something we could have done DIFFERENTLY to prevent the attack from happening? Is there something YOU could have – or, as they like to accuse (without saying it), SHOULD have – done to prevent this attack from occurring?
And the answer is, quite simply – no.
When I was attacked as a 9-year-old boy, I didn’t have any of the life skills that we teach our kids today to avoid contact with strangers or evil people. The idea of Stranger Danger wasn’t something that our school officials thought needed to be taught in a small town of 800 people like the one I lived in.
Maybe my naive nature as a little boy was to blame. I trusted that people who said they were going to do something would back their words up with action. If you said you were going to be home for dinner at 5:30, you were home at 5:30. So, in my mind, when my attacker wouldn’t give up my bike and offered to give me a ride home, I assumed he would ride my bike back to my house and then walk home from there.
When we came to a stop behind the swimming pool – several blocks away from my house – I realized that not everybody did as they said. My attacker held all the cards in that moment. He had all the power. He was a foot taller and much bigger than I was. I could run, but he would catch me. I could scream and kick, but he would easily silence me. The threat of my life being taken from me made me an easy prey for him.
In other words – there was NOTHING that I could do to prevent the attack from happening. It’s a reality that took me a long, LONG time to grasp and understand – and it’s a reality that you, as a survivor, need to understand . . .
TODAY!
RIGHT HERE!
RIGHT NOW!
It took me the better part of 35 years to come to terms with the fact that what happened to me was not my fault. You can not believe the freedom that came when that weight was lifted from my shoulders. When I finally was convinced that I shared zero blame for what happened, it felt like being let out of my own personal dungeon of darkness and despair.
You also share absolutely ZERO blame for your situation. The blame falls ENTIRELY and UNEQUIVOCALLY upon your attacker. Nothing you can do, say or feel will change what has happened.
However, there is something you CAN do to change the situation . . . and you can begin right now by accepting that unquestionable truth that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
— It doesn’t matter what the relationship was (or is) between you and your perpetrator.
— It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were at the moment of the attack.
— It doesn’t matter what their social, financial or religious standing is (nor yours, for that matter).
ALL THAT MATTERS is this – your perpetrator is 100 PERCENT to blame for the experience that you two share. It is ENTIRELY on the perpetrator, and there is nothing you could’ve/should’ve/would’ve done to change that.
We can not go back and change history. Nothing we can do, say or feel will alter what has happened.
What we CAN do, however, is change the way we view ourselves in what happened, understand that what happened is not our fault and move forward with our lives and understand that life happens and we can only live it forward and comprehend it in reverse.
You did all that you could do – now do something for yourself and leave the blame where it deserves to be placed – on your perpetrator.

Book, Featured, Speaking Out

An unexpected emotional ride

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Have you ever been driving down a highway, listening to an old classic rock song and singing along with the lyrics that you heard over and over again when the song was popular in your youth and now seem permanently ingrained into your subconscious.
You’re driving down the road, singing along, and all of a sudden . . .
WHAM!!!
It’s not an oncoming car, or a deer materializing from nowhere to run out of the ditch.
It’s that lyric . . . just one line in a song. And it speaks to you in a way it’s never spoken before.
And then, the next thing you know, you’re a blubbering mess trying to keep it together, keep your eyes on the road, and you’re STILL singing that song. (You might also be a real masochist like I am and REPLAY the song after it’s done, just to make sure that was really you that had a sudden emotional breakdown. I did it THREE times.)
When I was growing up, one of the classic rock bands I enjoyed was Kansas. Like most everybody else during that time, I was quick to grab a copy of their “Leftoverture” album as the first single from the album, “Carry On My Wayward Son” was helping the band make a name for itself.
But THAT’S not the song that got me . . . it was the song that followed the hit single on the album, “The Wall.”
The album was actually released about six months after my attack, and yet it seems the song was written with my experience in mind.
I’ve listened to this song thousands of times over the years. In fact, I pretty much played the grooves off of Side A of that album. I loved “What’s On My Mind” and really got into “Miracles Out Of Nowhere” – a song title that, appropriately enough, describes where this sudden emotional outburst came from.
But it was the first lines of “The Wall” that had me in a sudden state of emotional upheaval:
“I’m woven in a fantasy, I can’t believe the things I see
The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall
And with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost
It rises now before me, a dark and silent barrier between
All I am and all that I would ever want to be
It’s just a travesty, towering, marking off the boundaries
My spirit would erase”
As I sang along to those lyrics, I suddenly felt as if I was singing about the walls that were forced upon me when I was sexually assaulted as a 9-year-old boy in small-town Nebraska in 1976.
I didn’t actively choose what happened to me, nor was there anything I could do to stop the attack. And yet, there is the unrelenting belief that there was something – anything – I could have done to stop it. And, because I couldn’t, I felt, for many years, that i grew up a shattered version of what I could have been, that wall of darkness standing in front of me.
That wall was erected the night I was attacked. It was a wall that stood between me and my childhood. It was a wall that made me feel unworthy and unattractive. It was a wall that kept me from feeling good about who I was and what I was capable of doing in my life.
There was so much good in my life, from personal and professional success to the network of friends and loved ones who always were there. And yet, I stood still, the wall preventing a move forward to what could very well have been something even bigger and better. It’s still there, but few have the courage to step over that wall and step forward to an amazing opportunity. It’s a sense of courage that, only now, I’m beginning to understand.
For many years, that wall that was built around me, stopping me from realizing the value that I have and the gifts that I have that can be shared with those who share in my experience as a survivor of sexual assault. I always told my daughter that she was “capable of great things” – but why couldn’t I take my own advice? What would it take to tear down that wall?
The last part of the lyric really speaks to where I’m at today:
“And though it’s always been with me
I must tear down the wall and let it be
All I am, and all that I was ever meant to be, in harmony
Shining true and smiling back at all who wait to cross
There is no loss”
In discussing the lyrics he wrote, founding member and guitarist Kerry Livgren said this in his book, “Seeds of Change”:
“Looking back, I regard the lyrics to “The Pinnacle” and “The Wall” as the best I have written.  Somehow the wall was in me, and I did not have the power to remove this barrier to the depths of joy and harmony I so desperately sought.”
There IS opportunity and peace, joy and harmony on the other side of that wall that we, as survivors of sexual assault, can enjoy – if only we summon the courage to break down those walls that our experience has put up for us. With each sunrise, I’m seeing a new light and a new experience that I never saw as a VICTIM of sexual assault. The journey is a long one and there are walls we must face in order to reach that destination – but I can tell you that, without a doubt, the goal is worth the journey.

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Inspired to action

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I’ve been inspired into action.

When people ask why I would take a leave of absence from my job to speak out about sexual assault, that’s always been my first response.

I was sexually assaulted at the age of 9, and it’s an experience that continues to be a part of my existence on this earth. It’s something that will never NOT be a part of who I am, and this is something I’ve come to accept and use as the driving inspiration for what I’m about to do.

I’ve found that my communication of my experience to others has been a great benefit, both to myself as a sort of personal therapy and to others who have found inspiration and their own personal call to action in listening to my speech.

My first major speech in front of a group of people came last April during Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) activities at Wayne State College (check out the video of that speech here). My speech was a moving experience for a lot of people, including myself. It had confirmed a truth that it took a long time for me to understand, and I’m sure it opened the eyes of a number of young people in the audience who have struggled with it as well — we are not alone in this.

It’s become something of a tradition for me to hear from fellow survivors after my speech. I’ve had people come up to me immediately after a presentation and share their story with me. Others have waited and have contacted me, whether by e-mail or in face-to-face encounters, shared their experience and thanked me for having the courage to share my story. Knowing that my presentations have helped one person is all the inspiration I need to continue this work.

That’s why I’ve been inspired to action again, taking the risk of leaving my job for the entire month of April to speak out during SAAM anywhere and everywhere. We have a serious problem in this country when 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys have to endure the terror of this crime as a part of their lives. It’s a situation no child should ever have to live with, and I feel it’s worth the time and effort for me to share my story and encourage those who have been through this experience to speak out and Tell (Some/Any/Every) One.

This is a crime that relies on the silence of the victim in order for the perpetrator to be successful. When it comes to this crime, sex is all about power, and the perpetrator uses that power to keep his/her victims from spilling the beans. My perpetrator threatened my life if I told anybody – but I told anyway. My parents knew there was a problem and took action, and our family was essentially ostracized by the community for damaging the life of a local teenage boy (never mind the damage that he left on my physical and emotional well-being, scars that remain almost 40 years later). Getting fellow survivors to understand that the perpetrator wins ONLY through that intimidation of silence is why I continue to speak out about my own experience.

My inspiration to create a month-long speaking tour takes a lot of effort. I’ve spent almost every free moment I’ve had in the last several weeks contacting school districts, libraries, domestic violence organizations and child advocacy support groups to line up speaking engagements. I’m also asking for the support of anyone and everyone who can provide financial assistance that will help me with book printing, video production and travel costs through a funding project on Kickstarter. If you can help out in any way financially, it would be greatly appreciated.

We are not alone as survivors of sexual assault, and we need to tell our story to the world. The inspiration for this project comes from that simple truth, and I intend to spend the month of April sharing my message and inspiring others to their own personal action. I want to be the spark that fans the flames for survivors to open up, share their experiences and help them understand they are not victims – they are survivors.