Comedian Adam Ferrara has a funny bit about friends who aren’t doctors, but also aren’t shy about offering medical device. And I can’t help thinking about this as I write the following:
I’m not a doctor, but . . .
One of the things survivors of sexual assault must deal with, one way or another, are some of the symptoms that are consistent with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as PTSD.
The Mayo Clinic’s website defines PTSD as a mental health condition that is set into motion by a terrifying event, such as a sexual assault. Flashbacks are common, as are nightmares and severe anxiety.
For some people, the aftermath of the experience includes some of these experiences, but survivors adjust and are able to cope with it. For others, though, the problems that come from the nightmares and the flashbacks say with them for a long time and can be a real detriment to living the kind of healthy and happy life we all deserve to live.
The memory of what happened can come back at any time, and its manifestation can be triggered by even the most unlikely of situations.
I was attacked in the spring of 1976 and had numerous nightmares and flashbacks about the experience. They lessened in frequency and severity over time, but one situation that happened more than 20 years later triggered a panic attack that actually helped me achieve a certain degree of justice for what happened to me two decades earlier.
In the summer of 1998, I was working as a sports writer for the Norfolk Daily News in Norfolk, Neb. As I was finishing up a page that I had laid out for that day’s paper, I was looking at another page that had the county court record with information on court cases, traffic infractions, marriages and other public information from the courthouse that is regularly published in newspapers.
I had no real reason to look at the page, other than that it was there on the paste-up board. I started scanning to the names, laughing at myself as I wondered if there would be somebody I knew in the criminal court section. Not being a guy that regularly hung out with the area’s criminal element, the thought that somebody I knew might be on the list elicited a laugh.
And then . . . I saw his name and the crime he was being charged with – first-degree sexual assault.
The flashback that came suddenly made me tremble. I could feel myself shaking, my eyes welling up with tears. I quickly composed myself, excused myself from work for the day and drove to the county courthouse to read up on the case.
I found that my attacker had sexually assaulted a vulnerable adult on a county road. He had a rather dubious history in the court system, everything from sexual assault to impersonating a police officer.
Working with the county attorney, I wrote a letter to the district judge and explained my connection to the attacker. For the first time, I told my story to someone outside of my personal circle of friends and family. The letter made a huge impact – the county attorney said the district judge had traditionally given 1-2 year sentences for this crime, but he wound up throwing the book at this individual – he got five years in prison (the maximum sentence in Nebraska at that time) and had to register as a lifetime member of the state’s Sex Offender Registry.
Fortunately, the flashback that I had at that moment ultimately had a positive outcome. However, there are many other symptoms that survivors of sexual assault deal with that could be linked to PTSD.
Symptoms can include:
– upsetting nightmares about the event
– feeling emotionally numb
– feelings of hopelessness
– discontinuing activities you once enjoyed
– trouble concentrating or remembering things
– difficulty maintaining close friendships or relationships
– uncontrollable irritability or anger
– overwhelming guilt or shame
– self-destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, sexual activity)
– being easily frightened
– hearing or seeing things that don’t exist
PTSD is also difficult for those who are in the survivor’s inner circle. They want to help, but may not have a point of reference in their personal history to use in an effort to help the survivor. It’s common for us to want to say something like “I know how you feel” to help ease the tension. However, if you haven’t been through the experience yourself, you really have no idea HOW or WHAT a survivor is feeling or experiencing.
Fortunately, there are some things you CAN do to help a survivor who might be experiencing some of the symptoms of PTSD:
– Listen, but don’t force the issue. Help the survivor understand that you are there if they need a shoulder to lean on, but don’t insist that they unload everything. Let it happen on THEIR schedule, and be ready and willing to receive the information when they are ready to give it to you.
– Find a place and time to chat. When they are ready, make sure you can sit down and chat without any outside distractions. Whether it’s the local coffee shop or around the dining room table at home, sit down and REALLY listen. If you don’t understand something, ask for clarification. And make sure the phrase “I know just how you feel” is NEVER used . . . unless, of course, you have personally experienced a similar situation in your life.
– Take five. If things are getting a little too stressful, don’t be afraid to take a time out. Everything doesn’t have to come out all at once, and if either of you are feeling a little too intense about things, step back for a minute and pick up the conversation at a later time. Make sure you follow through on it, though . . . don’t leave your friend or loved one hanging out there feeling like they don’t have someone to talk to.
– Don’t minimize the threat of suicide. Sometimes, a survivor feels they have no choice left but to take their own life. Be cool about it, but don’t let the threat go without taking whatever steps are needed to keep the survivor safe and alive. If there is imminent danger of a suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Make sure everything from medications, sharp objects or firearms are not in a location that is easily accessible. Stay with that individual until help arrives.
But don’t take my word for it (remember, I’m not a doctor). The Mayo Clinic has some wonderful information about PTSD available on their website, and I would encourage you to read through their information and, if you are suffering from some of the symptoms listed, to talk with your healthcare provider and get the help you need to win the battle.
Category Archives: Contact
No April foolin’ during SAAM
Under normal circumstances, April 1 is a day I look forward to.
Since I’m the self-designated practical joker in the family, April Fools Day is usually a fun day for me. If you remember the MTV show “Punk’d” where Ashton Kutcher would play practical jokes on people, that’s the kind of hijinks that make up a normal April Fools Day for me.
One of my favorite pranks was the day I called my dad out of the blue and told him I’d been asked to take over a job as a beat writer for an NBA team. Going from a small-town Nebraska daily newspaper to the big NBA metropolis was such a shocking bit of news, and he fell for it all — even the part about the newspaper owning its own golf course and private school.
This April 1, however, there is a different vibe surrounding the day for me.
The month of April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, a great opportunity to spread the message on sexual assault and helping those who have been through the experience. Rather than trying to see if I can fool somebody with a good practical joke, I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to speak out about my experience as a survivor and, hopefully, help those who have been through the experience find their voice as well.
I was hoping to do a month-long tour of speaking engagements, but more time and planning needed to go into a venture of that magnitude. Still, I’ve been able to line up a few speaking engagements for the month, and I’m working to get in print, on the radio and even on TV to raise awareness of sexual assault and the impact it has, especially on the lives of our young people.
I’ve been getting ready for my first big speech, which comes up later this week, and I’ve been going back and re-reading some of the initial information that I found as I began speaking publicly about my experience — and that information continues to blow my mind when I think of how many children in this country are dealing with the trauma of being a victim of sexual assault.
Here in Nebraska, if we took the Centers For Disease Control study that found 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys would experience a sexual assault before their 18th birthdays and applied it to the current statewide K-12 enrollment in our school systems, we’d have enough kids to fill up three-fourths of Memorial Stadium — that’s more than 70,000 school-age children.
I’ll be busy during the next month, working on speeches and talking about sexual assault during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Look for more entries and information here in the days ahead.
Inspired to action
I’ve been inspired into action.
When people ask why I would take a leave of absence from my job to speak out about sexual assault, that’s always been my first response.
I was sexually assaulted at the age of 9, and it’s an experience that continues to be a part of my existence on this earth. It’s something that will never NOT be a part of who I am, and this is something I’ve come to accept and use as the driving inspiration for what I’m about to do.
I’ve found that my communication of my experience to others has been a great benefit, both to myself as a sort of personal therapy and to others who have found inspiration and their own personal call to action in listening to my speech.
My first major speech in front of a group of people came last April during Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) activities at Wayne State College (check out the video of that speech here). My speech was a moving experience for a lot of people, including myself. It had confirmed a truth that it took a long time for me to understand, and I’m sure it opened the eyes of a number of young people in the audience who have struggled with it as well — we are not alone in this.
It’s become something of a tradition for me to hear from fellow survivors after my speech. I’ve had people come up to me immediately after a presentation and share their story with me. Others have waited and have contacted me, whether by e-mail or in face-to-face encounters, shared their experience and thanked me for having the courage to share my story. Knowing that my presentations have helped one person is all the inspiration I need to continue this work.
That’s why I’ve been inspired to action again, taking the risk of leaving my job for the entire month of April to speak out during SAAM anywhere and everywhere. We have a serious problem in this country when 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys have to endure the terror of this crime as a part of their lives. It’s a situation no child should ever have to live with, and I feel it’s worth the time and effort for me to share my story and encourage those who have been through this experience to speak out and Tell (Some/Any/Every) One.
This is a crime that relies on the silence of the victim in order for the perpetrator to be successful. When it comes to this crime, sex is all about power, and the perpetrator uses that power to keep his/her victims from spilling the beans. My perpetrator threatened my life if I told anybody – but I told anyway. My parents knew there was a problem and took action, and our family was essentially ostracized by the community for damaging the life of a local teenage boy (never mind the damage that he left on my physical and emotional well-being, scars that remain almost 40 years later). Getting fellow survivors to understand that the perpetrator wins ONLY through that intimidation of silence is why I continue to speak out about my own experience.
My inspiration to create a month-long speaking tour takes a lot of effort. I’ve spent almost every free moment I’ve had in the last several weeks contacting school districts, libraries, domestic violence organizations and child advocacy support groups to line up speaking engagements. I’m also asking for the support of anyone and everyone who can provide financial assistance that will help me with book printing, video production and travel costs through a funding project on Kickstarter. If you can help out in any way financially, it would be greatly appreciated.
We are not alone as survivors of sexual assault, and we need to tell our story to the world. The inspiration for this project comes from that simple truth, and I intend to spend the month of April sharing my message and inspiring others to their own personal action. I want to be the spark that fans the flames for survivors to open up, share their experiences and help them understand they are not victims – they are survivors.
Why speaking out is so important to me
As you may already know, I’m gearing up for a month-long speaking tour this April as part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
About a year ago, I received a phone call from a representative of Wayne State College in my home town of Wayne, Neb. They had heard about my book (which I had promoted in the local newspaper, part of the magic I enjoy with being the managing editor), and wanted to know if I’d like to be the keynote speaker for their Sexual Assault Awareness Month program at the college that April.
To say I was jazzed up about the opportunity was an understatement. Not even a week’s delay due to a rare mid-April snowstorm could keep me from speaking out about the topic. I was introduced to some fantastic people that evening and, judging from the reaction friends and family saw from some of those in attendance, I made a positive impact with my speech.
I’ve since taken my talk on the road and have talked with everybody from area school kids to retired citizens. It’s become something that I want to carry forward in an effort to continue helping those who have been through the horror of life as a survivor of sexual assault.
That’s why this month-long journey is so important to me — there are so many people out there who have been sexually assaulted and feel there is nowhere to turn, nobody to talk to and nobody who has experienced what they have.
I know that feeling — for a lot of years, I spent a lot of myself and my resources trying to find avenues to deal with my experience. I’ve stood on the brink of committing suicide, feeling that the burden had become too much to deal with anymore. I couldn’t talk to anybody, I thought, because nobody had been through what I’ve been through. Nobody has suffered in silence as I have. And why would anybody care — they have their own issues and challenges to deal with.
I don’t want one survivor of sexual assault to ever feel that way — and I don’t want them to suffer in silence. That’s why it’s so important for me to tell someone, anyone and everyone about my experience, and this speaking tour is going to help me accomplish that.
It’s taken a lot of years and a lot of garbage for me to get through to realize that God has a purpose for me. It seems crazy to think this, but maybe my experience happened because He wants to use me as His voice to help those who are either dealing with the experience or have had this happen to them in their lives and don’t know what they can do about it. Maybe if I were to take my experience, easily the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and turn it into a positive outcome that can help others — THAT is why I’m here.
This speaking tour is going to last throughout the month of April. I’m taking a month’s leave of absence from my full-time job (and I’m thankful to have the blessing and support of an outstanding and understanding employer) and my plans are to travel wherever I’m asked to deliver my message and — hopefully — offer hope and a voice to those who are going through this experience.
If you’d like to have me come to your school, community or organization, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com and I can share the details on what it will take on your end to help bring me to your area. I’m excited about what God has in store for me this April — the month can’t get here fast enough.
Taking the message on the road during SAAM this April
It’s been a little more than a year since my book “Call Me A Survivor” hit the streets, and I’ve been blessed to have had my story serve as an inspiration to others who have been through the experience of being a survivor of child sexual assault.
Last April, I was asked by representatives of Wayne State College in Wayne, Neb., to be the guest speaker during their Sexual Assault Awareness Month program. While I had given shorter versions of my story in the past, this was a chance to speak to a big group of people that I was honored to have the opportunity to take part in.
About 100 people saw my speech that evening, and the response was tremendous. I had a number of people thank me for having the courage to tell my story, and I could tell that they had a story they wanted to tell somebody, but weren’t ready to do so just yet. A friend of mine who attended said he saw several college-age girls leave the program in tears, a sign that what I had to say in sharing my experience hit home for them.
Since then, I’ve done a number of speeches in communities around my home town and have received a great response — and then it hit me.
With my ability to create and willingness to tell my story as a survivor, why not do as they say in the music business and take this show on the road.
And with that, a “world” tour was born.
During the month of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), I plan on being on the road throughout my home state of Nebraska and other parts of the Midwest, speaking to any group willing to have me on hand to make a presentation about child sexual assault and what I am doing as a survivor. Whether it’s a small-town school or an auditorium full of people in the big city, I’ll go where I can during the month of April to help spread the word and, hopefully, help those who have been through this experience find their voice.
At this point, I am working to set up a schedule of speaking events. If you’re interested in having me as a guest speaker during the month of April (or even after that), e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com and I can work with you on a date and time.
My goal is to give 50 speeches during the 30 days in April, and while my focus is on my home state of Nebraska, I’ll bring the program anywhere in the United States. When 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are living with this horrible crime in their lives, I’m not going to limit myself to my home state’s borders if I can help open the door for those who have lived with this terrible experience.
If you’re looking for a speaker for SAAM this April, I’m ready to rock.
It’s time to let others know — we are not alone
One of the first things that I discovered, as I began to publicly talk about my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, is that I’m not alone.
After publication of my first book, “Call Me A Survivor” last fall, I began to speak publicly about my experience. I went on radio shows, did TV interviews and spoke to social and support groups in and around my home town of Wayne, Neb.
Without fail, there would be a connection with someone who had been through something similar to what I experienced behind the swimming pool in Newman Grove, Neb., back in the spring of 1976. Somebody would come up and tell me about how a family member, a friend of the family or somebody they believed they could trust had violated them and left emotional and mental scars that they never thought they could heal from — and they would come and thank me for being brave enough to tell my story and give them the encouragement to come to terms with what they had experienced.
Of course, by the time I began to speak publicly, I knew that my experience was not unique. In fact, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys under the age of 18 in the United States have been sexually assaulted — and how many more in the adult community had to grow up with this horrible experience as a part of their lives? Thousands? Millions? It’s hard to say for sure.
This past April, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of about 100 students at Wayne State College during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I had been before small groups of people that I knew from other community events, but this would be the first time I’d be talking to a group of people I didn’t know (outside of the handful of family members and friends who attended).
I wasn’t sure what would happen when I was done — and was totally taken by an observation a friend of mine made after the program.
I had brought copies of my book along to try and sell, but when you’re playing to a room full of college students, you’re not going to do a lot in the way of sales because college students rarely have money and, if they do, they have more important things to spend it on than a book. (I was a college kid many moons ago, so I know I speak from experience on this . . . the only way I’d buy ANY reading material back then would be to use it as a cover-up for the bottle of alcohol I’d try to sneak into my dorm room.)
As the room cleared out, my family and friends were talking, and somebody asked me how many books I had sold. I knew it wasn’t much, but before I could answer, my friend stepped in and said, “Never mind how many books you sold — did you see how many kids walked out of here CRYING? You made a HUGE impact here tonight that went beyond how many books you sold.”
And he was right — I had a number of people come up to me in the days after that speech and tell me how important it was for them to hear my speech and know that they weren’t alone. And the fact that it was a GUY talking about being sexually assaulted was an even bigger deal — because guys aren’t supposed to be “victims” of sexual assault (although, undoubtedly, they are in far more frequent numbers than anyone wants to believe).
As I continued to speak to other groups, I realized that what I was doing is something that needs to be heard by more than just those people living within a 40-mile radius of me — this is a nationwide problem that needs as many voices out there speaking and advocating for something to be done to help those whose lives have been shattered by this horrible, unthinkable crime.
And so today — Sunday, Oct. 20, 2013 — just two weeks shy of the one-year anniversary of my book’s publication, I officially set out on my journey as a “professional” public speaker. I am speaking to the Thrivent Lutheran organization at their annual meeting — in my hometown, coincidentally — and will be speaking to a couple of schools in Nebraska this week and next (keep checking my schedule for updates). I am working on making contact with other schools, libraries and community groups to get the word out and get people thinking about what we can do to stop the sexual assault of children in the United States. (And if you’d like to get in touch with me about scheduling a date, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com and I will send information on to you.)
At the present time, I must juggle my speaking engagements with my present job as managing editor of The Wayne Herald, but my goal is to make public speaking and advocacy for those who are survivors of child sexual assault my life’s work on a full-time basis by my 50th birthday (May 17, 2016, if you’d like to mark that down on your calendar). It will take a good deal of time and effort, as well as an unshakable belief that this WILL happen, but it is something that I believe is more than worth the effort.
I believe it will happen, because I know that I’m not alone — and I will make sure those who have been through this experience know they aren’t, either.
A very busy summer – and a time for change
It has been two months since I last posted here – a busy two months.
It was an unusually busy summer in my job as managing editor of my local newspaper, between summer sports, county fairs and local community celebrations – not to mention family visits and a much-needed vacation – and it was a good opportunity for me to reflect on what I want to do here and in the future as a public speaker and advocate for those who are fellow survivors of sexual assault.
At some point in everybody’s life, they feel a need to make some kind of major change in their lives. For some, it’s a family-related situation like marriage or divorce. Others have grown tired of being overweight and make the effort to change their eating and activity behaviors to drop the extra weight.
For me, it is beginning the transition from a 30-year career as a small-town journalist to that of a full-time public speaker. My goal is – sometime between my 50th birthday (less than three years from now) and my 52nd, I will be speaking out on a full-time basis while giving myself the freedom to continue on a much smaller scale as a freelance writer and photographer.
I feel like I’m being called by a higher power to make this change in my life, because my personal struggle with life as a survivor of sexual assault is one that must be shared with the world. The message that there is life beyond the attack must get out, and while my situation certainly is not unique, it is one that can be used to help inspire others who are living through the same hell I found myself in.
Already (if you’ve checked out the calendar of events on the home page), I’ve lined up some public speaking events near my home town, and am in negotiations to do several more engagements in my home state of Nebraska in the weeks and months ahead. I don’t want to limit myself to one little corner of the world, though – I look forward to crossing the state’s borders and going across the country to spread the message for fellow survivors who are looking for hope, to let them know that there IS hope for them to go on and live life as a SURVIVOR of sexual assault.
I have been inspired by the work of people like Erin Merryn, a young woman in Illinois who not only has told her story, but used it to help influence legislation that is spreading nationwide. I want to bring Erin’s Law to my home state of Nebraska, and I want to do more to make sure those who sexually assault our children are put away in prison for a much longer period than they are now. I also want to work to get the message to judges who fail to dispense the proper judgement due to those who assault our children that their ignorance of this crime can no longer stand.
There is much work to do, and as things move forward I will continue updating you here. I will also post more news that I see on the web regarding stories relating to child sexual assault, and hope that you will spread the word about the Tell (Some, Any, Every) One website and the battle against child sexual assault.
I promise – it won’t be two months until the next time you hear from me here. In the meantime, e-mail me at mike@mikeycproductions.com if you’d like to have me speak to your school, library or community. I can pass information along about my story and what it will take to get me to your community, and I look forward to the opportunity to help others in this ongoing battle.
Until next time…as my dad always says – straight ahead.
Mike
P.S. – If you have not yet read my book, “Call Me A Survivor,” you can order it here at Amazon.com.
A never-ending movie, and you control the script
If you’re like me, there are certain experiences in life that feel like they’re repeats of old movies you used to watch.
Being a survivor of child sexual assault is sometimes like a sick, twisted version of “Groundhog Day,” the BIll Murray classic where his character continues to experience the same day, over and over again, and tries to right the wrongs he committed the previous day.
No matter what level of abuse you have experienced, there are times when you feel like you’re re-living the experience. Something as simple as a smell or a scene along a county road can trigger flashbacks of what you experienced in your youth. You aren’t experiencing the physical attack, but the memories of that experience jump up and take over, maybe for a moment or in the form of a nightmare that violently shakes you from a deep sleep.
There is rarely ever a set time for such a flashback to appear. It’s one of the many wonders of the human brain in how it is able to attach certain experiences to senses that we generally take for granted. Something as simple as a Nebraska corn field can be a thing of beauty to one person, and a horrible reminder of an attack to another.
The question I often get asked is, “When will these flashbacks stop?” It really depends on the person, particularly in how they handle their experience in the years going forward, but I don’t think we ever really completely get over the experience.
My attack happened 37 years ago this past spring, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I’ve visited the small Nebraska town where the attack happened on numerous occasions in the years since. I actually spoke at their school’s athletic banquet one year (an impromptu speech that came about when the scheduled speaker, who I was to interview for the local paper, couldn’t make it due to a weather-related flight cancellation), played golf on their golf course for a feature series and have driven back to the “scene of the crime” as part of my research for my book “Call Me A Survivor” to allow myself an opportunity to relive the experience and remember what I was feeling and thinking on that fateful day.
I’ve decided that, if I’m going to live with this experience for the rest of my life, I’m going to do something proactive that will not only help me, but help others to deal with the experiences in their lives that have led them to be survivors of sexual assault. I’ve talked with counselors and therapists, consulted with close friends and made every effort I can to keep my experience out in the open, where I can talk about it and handle those flashback situations in a quick and effective manner.
Just this past week, I experienced such a flashback while watching a classic rock program on the VH1 Classic cable channel. Growing up in the 70’s and early 80’s, I was blessed to have had some of the best rock and roll to listen to during those years. For some reason, a song from that era triggered a negative emotion in me that led me to begin replaying that spring evening behind the local swimming pool when I was assaulted. I caught myself and reminded myself that undoing what has already been done is impossible, and that I should let that negative emotion go.
Like many self-help experts have told us: you are what you think…energy flows where attention goes…what we think about, comes about. Instead of focusing what has already happened, I turned my attention to what I intend to happen as I speak publicly about my experience to schools, churches, organizations and government officials, now and in the future.
Like it or not, if you are a survivor of child sexual assault, you will never NOT be a survivor of child sexual assault ever again. In some ways, it’s like being an addict . . . you may overcome the addiction, but you will always be an addict. The same holds true for those of us who are CSA survivors. We will ALWAYS have this experience as a part of our lives — the question is, how are we going to address it and deal with it during those moments in time when it inevitably rears its ugly head? It’s one never-ending movie where the script is always up to us to write, and I hope you choose whatever way that is most comfortable for you and will move you toward a positive result in your life.
E-mail Michael Carnes at mike@mikeycproductions.com.